There are more restaurants with birthday songs than the number of days birthdays fall on in a year, and all of them are obnoxious, embarrassing and sung off-key. But I love every one of them!

The singing of a restaurant birthday song is the perfect outlet for a server’s stresses of the job. Although for most it gets old quickly, I’ve always embraced the opportunity for a good birthday screaming and a chance to elicit a genuine, or mortified, smile.

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Only indirect evidence for black holes exists so far, but someday scientists will be able to detect them, possibly with a little help of a device in a little-known room tucked away in the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Physics Building.

The door is labeled “Center for Gravitation and Cosmology Parallel Computation Facility.” One can hear a hum from inside: that of 300 computer nodes, linked together, shelved wall to wall, waiting for a sign.

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Everyone I know has been through a dry spell. I just relieved myself of mine through a little mutual masturbation via phone sex.

Phone sex is virtually the safest sex one can have, seeing as the two (or thanks to conference calling, many) are not even in the same room, let alone close enough to cause pregnancy or STD transfer.

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Believing in love

Love can be hard to find. Amanda Palkowski, 20, is grateful to spend the holidays with her fiancé, who recently moved here from New Jersey.

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Would you like to give back to the community, but feel you don’t have the time, or don’t know where to start?

The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Center for Volunteerism and Student Leadership (CVSL) can help.

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