Please, leave the cell phones at home.

There are certain things about the gym that, I’m sorry, just really, really needle at me. Most of us go there with the intent of getting a good workout in, with a minimum of hassle. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case, and although some parts of it can be attributed to the staff, a good bit of it has more to do with our fellow patrons.

People, you shouldn’t need a cell phone when you go to the gym. It’s not necessary, and if you are doing your workout the right way you should be too out of breath to hold any real conversation anyway.

Yet a few weeks ago, I ended up on a machine right next to a girl who suddenly felt the need to call a friend, and then proceeded to scream into her phone so that she could hear her over the sound of rumbling machines and crappy Top 40 music.

In spite of my best efforts (cranking the volume of my CD player to an unhealthy level), I was unable to block her out, and ended up staring longingly at a machine at the other end of the gym for the duration of my time on the elliptical.

Then, of course, we have the people who will sit down at a machine and do nothing for a good five minutes, talking to a friend and pretty much ignoring anyone else who may be waiting for that particular machine. To those who are not acquainted with the concept, working in on a machine means that while you sit there and talk, someone else uses the machine, and then you use it again, and it goes back and forth like that. It isn’t a huge hassle, especially if you’re not doing anything except talking.

Now is the part where I set my sights on the employees themselves. People, I don’t know who told you that “Big Girls Don’t Cry” is an appropriate song to be played when people are at the height of an adrenaline rush (or ever, for that matter), but it isn’t.

Personally, I’m a firm believer in mood music. I don’t know anyone who screws to polka, and I don’t know anyone who is able to find any motivation in a vapid plastic surgery buff whining about not crying to the strains of a horrible acoustic guitar track.

Please, for the love of God, start bringing in some of your own CDs. As long as the music has a somewhat upbeat track, I really do not care who it is by. I understand employees at the fitness center may have to spend a lot of time there, but I’m sure you have something in your CD collection that is a little bit more up-tempo than “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”

Finally, we come to the biggest pet peeve: If you use a machine, you are obligated to wipe it down. You are not only obligated to wipe it down, you are obligated to use those cleaning solutions that are everywhere in the fitness center.

It takes exactly two-and-a-half seconds to do, and you don’t need to worry about bad karma coming back to you. By bad karma, of course, I specifically mean your gripping the handles of a machine that was just used by someone and finding those handles to be literally dripping with sweat. The spray bottles are there for a reason, and so are towels.

The guy who uses a machine after you doesn’t want to touch your sweat, and the fitness center employees hate having to clean up after someone who should have enough common sense to just wipe the thing down.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our gym. It is the cleanest and most up-to-date center that I have used since I started working out, and I wouldn’t trade anything for it. But really, gym etiquette is not that hard, and it isn’t too much to ask to be considerate of the other people who use the facilities.

A final reminder: Please, please, PLEASE leave the cell phones at home. If you need them, you shouldn’t bother working out anyway.

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