Use your seductive flirtation skills in the elevator. It will definitely get rid of that awkward elevator silence.

1. Be rude; we all live here. Just walk right into your neighbors’ dorms. Who cares if they’re doing their homework? Talk about your “exciting” life. Critique their closet and tell them everything that is wrong in their dorm. Do not leave until they go to bed, you don’t want them to have privacy.

2. Be a liar; no one wants to know the truth about you. Tell your neighbors that you can bench twice as much as you really can. Say you’ve drank every “Thirsty Thursday” since 8th grade. Your true behavior is the past. Now, your lies make you capable of doing anything.

3. Be loud; we all want to listen to Celine Dion. Your music is the only music. Play it loud and late at night. Explicit lyrics will help you out. And if your speakers are not loud enough, resort to the fire alarm. It always works.

4. Be angry; lose control of your temper. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. You’re the tough one. Scream and kick at your door late at night. Throw someone’s computer out the window. Spit on someone’s new shoes. But do not hit anyone; you don’t want to leave Sandburg. All you care about is people wanting you to leave Sandburg.

5. Be hip; everyone is doing what you’re doing. Go buy those cheap grape smelling cigars. Being popular shouldn’t be expensive. Get hammered, people will envy you for almost dying of alcohol poisoning. Only wear Abercrombie polos and holey Hollister jeans – the more holes, the better. Walk and talk like you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

6. Be available; you’re the hottest one in Sandburg. Show off that thong. Only wear shirts that show your chest and abs through the side. Let them know you’re desperate for sex. Use your seductive flirtation skills in the elevator. It will definitely get rid of that awkward elevator silence.

7. Be naked; that hairy butt cannot be covered up. You’re in college. You don’t know how to do laundry, and you don’t have the money to buy new clothes. Why bother to wear clothes? No one will be embarrassed and everyone will feel comfort with your presence.

8. Be decorative; you need to practice those design skills. Bring in some art by drawing dicks and over-sized boobs on people’s white boards. Duct tape doors to their doorframes and coat it with barbeque sauce, and hang toilet paper from the ceiling if you have left over duct tape.

9. Be a thief; we all need to learn how to share, right? Your best bet is when people are taking showers. Don’t settle for just the iPod or TV; go for the essentials too. Take their underwear, shoes, and pants. Be a little courteous, and leave them with a few shirts.

10. Last, but not least, be hard to avoid. You are unwelcome, but you don’t care. Let people know you don’t care. Habitually visit your neighbors and annoy the hell out of them. You are their neighbor, make yourself unwelcome.

> Comments