If you are incapable of making an educated decision, please: Don’t vote.

I am well aware that my views are not shared by very many of you and that I can come off as a little militaristic in how I convey them. So, good news: I have found God. I am now going to church, and I am casting off my liberal ways once and for all.

From now on, I’m a God-fearing, moral and productive member of the Republican Party. Jesus loves me.

Now you know what it looks like when someone is lying through their teeth.

During the 2000 election, a friend told me that he was voting for George W. Bush because “he is a regular guy. He reminds me of my next door neighbor.” I have not spoken to this person since. I hate that I even need to say this to bright, college-educated minds, but apparently I do.

Representative elections are not popularity contests. This is not high school. You should not be voting for your BFF or whomever it is that you think is the best looking. We voted a guy into the office of the president who couldn’t even fit into a normal bathtub once, for God’s sake.

I’m sure that your next door neighbor is a fun guy to get drunk with, but after watching him puke all over himself the night before, would you really want him to perform brain surgery? Especially on someone you know? If you answered yes, please drop out of college immediately; you are wasting your time.

Personally, I don’t like any of the candidates. Hillary Clinton is a psycho. Rudy Guiliani is an opportunist of the worst kind, and has more constitutional violations under his belt than George W. Bush.

Barack Obama already said that he wants to invade Pakistan, meaning we would have another never-ending foreign war under our belts. Sounds fun, especially after four years in Iraq. Fred Thompson wants to bring back the days of coat hangers and basements for abortions.

I know that over the last few years a lot of focus has been put on that whole “strength in numbers” crap. Diddy made a big deal out of his “Vote or Die” campaign, and not once did he consider the idea that maybe some people out there should not vote.

If you are voting for someone because they look “presidential” or because you agree with them on the one thing you have heard them talk about, please, stay home on voting day. I beg you.

We don’t need more uneducated morons voting and getting us into more messes (Evangelicals voting for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004 just because he mentioned that he prays).

The reason you are voting for an elected official is because you assume that they will do a better job in office than the people you know. Most of the time you’re wrong, but corruption runs rampant because people are not willing to actually investigate a candidate with the same ferocity that their rivals do.

You have the Internet. I knew Bush had two possession of cocaine convictions under his belt two days before it came out (and right before he paid someone to erase his record from the Texas Court Records database).

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to elections, I do not think strength in numbers is the best way to go. Strength in numbers is good for an army, but even an army can’t function if everyone in it has a 78 or below IQ.

In an election, intelligent people who are willing to do the legwork to find out exactly who the person they are interested in is the person they say they are.

With that in mind, here are a few names for you to check out; Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Dennis Kunich. I won’t tell you anything about them, you can do that for yourself. I do not encourage laziness in anyone and so I encourage you to look into the other candidates I just complained about, too.

My subjective opinions should not influence who you vote for. But again, please, I beg you, if you can’t make an educated decision, stay home on voting day. You’ve already gotten us into enough trouble.

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