Dear Chad Blaine,

Your last column was right on. Dig your stuff. My friend Craig has this smokin’ girlfriend and I’m having trouble stealing her away from him.

In the past it’d been no problem. I’d just tell Craig’s girlfriends a lie. Usually something like, “He’s cheating on you,” or, “The night you met Craig, we put a $5 bet on which one of us would sleep with you.”

After they’re done crying, they usually get in a big fight with Craig. I always slip the lie to them on a Monday afternoon; that way, Craig’s still hungover from Sunday football and has a full eight hours of work keeping his senses dull. After the fight, I call his girlfriend and offer a shoulder to cry on.

But Craig’s new girlfriend, Lana, just rolled her eyes at me when I told her about Craig’s fetish for married women. It’s like she knew I was lying or something. She hasn’t fought with Craig about it yet either. I’m scared I’ve lost my touch. What should I do?

Touchless

Dear Touchless,

Dude, you lie to steal your best friend’s girlfriend? Weak. All I do is walk in the room and let my friend’s new girlfriend soak in the Blaine musk for a moment. Within a week, we’re “playfully” wrestling in front of her boyfriend whenever we get drunk.

My friend can’t say anything ‘cause after all, we’re friends. And friends wrestle sometimes. And friends call each other after bar close sometimes. And friends smell like another friend’s cologne sometimes too.

Point is, think less and get physical about your approach because this girl, Lana, has clearly defeated you mentally.

Chad Blaine

Dear Chad Blaine,

Last night, Craig had “a talk” with me. He told me Lana felt “extremely uncomfortable” around me the night before. I couldn’t understand it. Craig, Lana and I had gone out to Brother’s the other night.

After Craig wasn’t allowed into Brother’s because his shoes were scuffed, I saw my window of opportunity. I convinced Lana to dance with me instead of waiting for Craig to get new shoes. On the dance floor I thought my pelvic gyrations on Lana made my intensions perfectly clear to everyone dancing around us – she’s my girl until her boyfriend returns.

Just as I busted out my most coveted moves, some skinny dork pulled Lana’s attention away from me. I overheard him say he was her chemistry lab partner. They smiled and started talking, so I punched skinny dork in the side of the head.

Everyone around us froze. Who was this guy to just up and talk to my girl? Basically, Craig’s “talk” he had with me last night was all about how Lana got wigged out when I wouldn’t stop screaming “She’s MINE!” and kicking her lab partner in the mouth before the bouncers threw me out and called the police.

Touchless

Dear Touchless,

Sounds like a sweet fight. The only thing chemistry dorks are good for is being strong-armed into making love potions that force chicks to unwillingly love you. You ever see that movie? “Love Potion No. 9.” It’s a killer, man. You don’t know what’s coming at the end; trust me.

Anyways, Lana sounds lame. Fights rule, and any NORMAL girl likes it when a man displays his physical dominance by pummeling a weaker person. Same goes for publicly pointing out someone’s flaws to prove how much less of a person he is compared to yourself.

Lana’s probably a lesbian. Any straight girl would sleep with a guy for the kind of chivalry you offered. Next time you’re hanging out with Craig and Lana, punch Craig in the face. She’ll probably get ice for your knuckles. Chicks like sensitive guys.

Dear Chad Blaine,

This is Craig Sanderson. After finding letters in his desk drawer, it’s come to my attention that my roommate, Dillion, has been writing to you. Be warned: Any further correspondence with this address will result in a restraining order.

I hold you solely responsible for Dillion’s misguided attack on me. He’s on the third floor of St. Michael’s hospital, in the intensive care unit. Lana landed a few devastating blows on his spine. I’m grateful that your twisted correspondence with Dillion opened my eyes to his true character.

Craig Sanderson

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