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“Tasties”
Why Sandburg girls need to watch out.
By Alysha Witwicki
“They would take a few friends, also in their early 20s, to look for unsuspecting freshmen to sleep with.”
Everyone knows someone who’s been used. If you’re lucky, you’ve only been manipulated for cab fare or test answers. But there are a slew of girls who are used for sex, and it’s not their fault.
At age 18, how are we to know how to distinguish the “I wanna get laid” pick-up lines (“Do you work out?” for example) from the “I wanna date you” pick-ups, such as “Have we met before?” The confusing thing is, these lines are interchangeable, depending on the guy, and lines never mean the same thing twice. It took me living with two guys to learn how they plan their hook-ups, and my jaw hit the floor. My two college-dropout roommates, call them Chad and Ken (ages 22 and 24), were masters at getting girls. Redheads, brunettes and blondes would walk through our rusty front door, some cute, some homely.
Understanding how they got so much action was like taking a calculus test, and I never made it past trig. Chad was unattractive and Ken had lost one too many battles with stuffed-crust pizzas. But all their lady friends did have one thing in common: They were 18 or 19. One frosty night on the East Side, Chad and Ken decided to head eight blocks north to the Sandburg Dorms. I hated the dorms when I lived there, so why would two guys with a two-story house and balcony want to go there? Easy: Tasties.
They would take a few friends, also in their early 20s, to look for unsuspecting freshmen to sleep with. So what was the appeal of barely legal girls?
They were naïve and didn’t know any better. They probably thought attention from an older guy, even if they were computer nerds, was flattering. Not to mention they don’t really know the area and Chad and Ken had a car. They’d look for “Tasties” twice a week, because they were “tasty.” From that time on, my shopper-in-crime and third roommate, “Jen,” and I called the dorms “The Tasty Freeze.” We would even sing 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop” song to our own lyrics when Chad and Ken left the house. “I’ll take you to the Tasty Freeze/ I’ll let lick the ice cream cone…” However, a “Tasty” has a maximum shelf life of two or three nights. Sometimes they would be creative and make themselves useful.
Later in the year, Tasty #17 washed a kitchen full of moldy hot dogs pans and crusty plates because she crushed on Ken. Not because some of the dishes were hers, but because she didn’t want him to toss her out like yesterday’s trash. She did create a Tasty record, though: two weeks. Neither Jen nor I cared about what the boys did, as long as the shower was free in the morning. We tried to stay out of their business, but it always ended up staring us in the face.
Case in point: Last week, while I was doing bicep curls at Klotsche, I saw a scantily clad brunette at the bubbler. I was staring at her cellulite beneath her black hot pants when she turned around.
“Alysha!” she screamed and gave me a giant hug. I was trying to think of her name when she started grilling me about why Chad never called her again. All I could say was we moved out and maybe he lost her number. I felt bad covering for them, but whose side was I on exactly? Therefore, this is a warning for all the unsuspecting newbies and Tasties-to-be: Be suspicious of older gentlemen in the dorms. If they don’t live there and aren’t with anyone who does, they are only looking for sex.
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