If your roommate is a snob who thinks that they’re entitled to any and everything, then perhaps redecorating with some of your own personal touches will heal him or her of that.

Is the harpy you share your room with so stupid that you are shocked that she has yet to drown in her own saliva? Does the moron that occupies the loft next to yours make you wish that people should have special permission before being allowed to procreate?

Are you just sick and tired of the drama and B.S. that comes along with having a roommate? Well, I have some simple solutions for you.

For example, if your roommate is a homebody and you’re just dying for some personal space, then I think it’s time that you introduce him or her to your religious views. I’m sure that regaling your suitemates with stories of the ritual sacrifices that your people conduct with the change of every season should guarantee you some alone time.

What if your roomie likes to listen to his or her iPod loudly when you are trying to sleep? Then I say that cranking Oasis in the wee hours of the morning is the best remedy.

“Where were you when we were getting high?” is the perfect question to let your roommate ponder at 2 a.m.; it has just the right melody to inspire peace and tranquility throughout all the land.

If your roommate is a snob who thinks that they’re entitled to any and everything, then perhaps redecorating with some of your own personal touches will heal him or her of that. Nothing will wipe that smug look off of their faces better than pictures of diseased lungs hanging on the walls—just be sure to place them strategically so they have to look at them more than you do.

Let’s say the person you room with is a total pig who just can’t seem to pick up after themselves, maybe you should do the cleaning. Of course, nothing will get the point across better than the overpowering stench of cleaning products.

Bleach has a nice staying power, and of course Oust has that oh-so-wonderful chemical component that gets into the nasal cavity and has a tendency to burn.

What about your roomie’s friends? Are they more annoying than mosquitoes and people who yell out the windows well after midnight combined, but have the intelligence of the former and participate in the latter?

Perhaps it is the right time to develop some less than intriguing idiosyncrasies. The need to touch every new item or person that enters your room while saying “bing” each time is never a crowd favorite, but that’s the point.

And if all else fails, it never hurts to procure an obsession with steak knives. The need to have sharp, pointy objects displayed dramatically throughout the room will most definitely ensure that your roommate will never bug you again—lest they feel your wrath—and then all your problems will be solved.

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