Accept the way things are.

Sup, dudes and dudettes? Hope you’re all ready to reap the Chad Blain whirlwind of truth. Here’s how it’s gonna go: you (aka sappy, clueless, overdramatic people less smart than me) write in about your friendship and love problems, The UWM Post pays me my required fat paycheck, and I give you get my infallible words.
And one! So here’s the first letter I got from some chuckle head.

Dear Chad Blain,
This is my first semester of college and first time being apart from my BF. We tried not to talk about it much over summer. He said that way we could enjoy the summer and deal with it when it matters. WTF did that mean?
Well summer is pretty much over now and I’m starting to think he’s cheating on me. He goes to Madison and I’m here. And last time I called, I heard a girl’s voice before he hung up. I swear I heard the whore say, “Was that her?” When I confronted my BF, he cried and said he was drunk and “it” just happened. He seemed for real. We haven’t talked since, and he won’t stop calling. I’m dying to pick up the phone. Can I trust him?
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,
Just like a woman: crazy, always paranoid, and endlessly jealous. Let me put it to you this way… everyone I know cheats. Ask any of my friends and they’d tell you the same. You don’t get it. Hate the game, as the saying goes. It’s not like cheating is all fun. There’s having to pay for twice the diners, twice the amount of driving, twice the hair gel, twice the bar tabs.
And just because none of you can accept the way things are, twice the lies. Best advice I got for you: get your big butt back to baking me muffins, wait for my paycheck to afford you more laundry detergent, then clean my work shirt.
Chad Blain

Dear Chad Blain,
I have never read a more chauvinistic, misogynistic, degrading, ignorant string of words in one sentence. Please refrain from communicating with anything, for I fear you might infect others with your thoughts.
Still Skeptical

Dear Still Skeptical, WTF do those words even mean? I’ve got you pegged. You’re probably one of those quiet book worm-y types.
You’re that girl who actually enjoys class discussions, and actually does the readings. Moron. Your boyfriend, I’ve got him pegged too.
Some thin hippy who wants to talk about feelings and listen to too much music. Oh, they’re always ragging on Nickelback too. I meet your kind on Water Street every weekend.
Wanna know how I meet them? They’re all sick of their lame hippy boyfriends.

P.S. I didn’t know hippies could cheat.

Chad Blain

Dear Chad Blain, Thank you for the postscript. You’re a manifestation of the only part of the college experience that’s negative - that person who tries to make you think a class is less important than it is.
I talked it over with my BF and I’m done with him. Had I known who/what you are, I would have never written in to The Post. I am forbidding you to continue further correspondence. If you do not comply, I will seek a restraining order.
Forever Skeptical

Dear Forever Skeptical,
They don’t have restraining orders for mail, idiot! Trust me, I worked in a lawyer’s office once, and I’m considering law school. I think it’s funny that you consider me the one part college that sucks. I would argue: The only part of college that sucks for me is being forced to deal with your kind. Cook me a turkey pot pie.
Chad Blaine

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