The bandwagon is filling up fast this season with people (not just girls) who want to get to the third base with J.J. Hardy, but can’t exactly tell you where third base is

If you are reading this column, you probably have no other options.

You’re probably sitting in the library, dreading the moment in which you’ll eventually have to read your textbooks for the first time all semester in preparation for finals. You’ve now resorted to the UWM Post as a last-ditch effort to delay the work ahead of you, due to the lack of alternative procrastination tools in sight.

What’s more, you’ve somehow found yourself on the sports page, which, coincidentally, you’re also reading for the first time all semester.

That handsome mug shot atop this column caught your eye, and now you’re wasting precious seconds of study time wondering where the hell these stupid, inaccurate assumptions I’m making about you are going.

Shut up, imaginary reader voice that I placed in italics in a failed attempt at avoiding confusion. The point to all of this is that since you’ve stumbled upon this article and sifted through more than 200 words of incoherent rambling, I’ll reward you with a guide to the 2008 summer of sports. Plan your summer accordingly.

May 20: NBA Draft lottery. The most fun you’ll have watching ping-pong balls since you went to “Balls of Fury” while it was in the theater. Except pretend you had fun that time you went to “Balls of Fury” in the theater.

June 11: Brett Favre continues retirement.

June 26: NBA Draft. With the first pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select…

July 9: WNBA All-Star Game. Girls rule, boys drool. Although the game is on the ninth, the real drama will happen during the All-Star Weekend’s famed Lay-Up Contest. Who will dress up as Wonder Woman and throw down a one-handed floater?

That’s enough out of you, imaginary reader voice!

July 15: MLB All-Star Game. Watch a bunch of Brewers lead the National League to, well, probably another loss. Stupid DH, gets ‘em every time. Speaking of the Brewers, where have some of these fans been the last few years? The bandwagon is filling up fast this season with people (not just girls) who want to get to the third base with J.J. Hardy, but can’t exactly tell you where third base is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I hate it.

July 24: MLS All-Star Game. What? I just really like All-Star Games.

July 27: Brett Favre—still retired.

August 3: NFL Preseason Kickoff. It’s about time. Football makes a triumphant return as Jim Sorgi and the Colts take on Colt Brennan and the Redskins in the Hall-of-Fame Game. No wonder we’ve been waiting all summer for this.

August 5: You lose your playoff softball game that only you care about.

August 8-24: Olympics, baby! After a dreadful four years without being able to watch nationally televised floor gymnastics, the Olympics are back! When you’re through watching, you might want to check in with the exotic sport of basketball. The Bucks are shipping three players to Beijing—Andrew Bogut (Australia), Michael Redd (USA) and Yi Jianlian (China)—and one of them has to win, right?

August 16: UWM Summer Finals. This is in here to remind you that if you don’t stop reading this lousy column and start studying for your finals, you’ll be taking them again in the summer.

August 21: Brett Favre ends retirement and returns to the Packers! Just kidding, you fools.

August 30: WNBA Playoffs begin. OK, fine, I’ll admit it. I love the WNBA.

Now that you have your pretty well laid out, you can finally focus on reading those overpriced paperweights you call your textbooks. Or you can just blow off finals and take summer vacation a little early. But seriously you should probably be studying.

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