It’s time to masturbate freely

Finally! You’re free from the watchful eye of your protective parents. And obviously, that means it’s time to masturbate freely. No more shameful clearing of your internet history, or nervously wondering if they’ll come home early. Your body’s amusement park is now open for business when YOU want.

Oops! You’ve got a roommate. There’s nothing more awkward than having the stranger you’re living with, and that you’re trying to get to know, walk in while you’re spitting up man gravy. Gross… I just made myself feel awkward. Here’s the top 10 ways to make masturbation walk-ins less awkward.

10. Have a target It should go without saying that you need something to “shoot” for at the climax. It could be a crusty gym sock, a wadded-up Kleenex tissue, a fruit snack wrapper, condom or whatever. Just as long as your not leaving a mess anywhere. Who wants to look over at their roommate’s workstation and see it covered with half the makings of a baby?

9. Desk positioning While there may be little control in where you situate your desk, it’s paramount to understand the weakness of your dorm room layout. Example: if the entrance to the room is directly next to you and your roommate decides to skip class and pop in, you have about .5 seconds to turn off your computer and get your junk out of sight; however, if your desk chair puts your back to the door, then you could take your time cleaning yourself up since you’re blocking the view of your monitor and your hunched posture keeps you out of sight.

8. Use your own computer If you’ve downloaded enough porn to make Larry Flynt gasp, chances are your computer’s processing power is being drained by countless viruses, trojans and RAM lost to “money shots.” This does NOT give you the right to hop on your business major roommate’s crisp laptop and replace his republican blog bookmarks with clips of porn. Nothing irritates a roommate more than having their stuff used without asking, let alone using their stuff to get off on.

7. Stop masturbating The door has flown open and there you are, exposed. Your roommate has frozen and so have you. First thing to note: Stop masturbating. It’s bad enough to witness the act obscurely. Even if you need just one more pull, stop. Once you’ve stopped comes the drawn air of awkward silence. Say something. Don’t be a deer in headlights. Just say something. If you’re at a loss for words, talk about the weather. Everyone loves small talk.

6. Know your roommate’s schedule I’m not advocating stalking here. But it would be wise to know whether your roommate is leaving to buy a gordito, which implies a speedy return, or if he’s going to class – implying a window of opportunity

5. Quiet lubrication I’m trying to come up with a written word that’s an onomatopoeia for the sound of masturbation. The best I can do is “Thwip-Thwip.” Yes, you’re deepest paranoia is confirmed; you’re roommates can hear you through the door. Hand lotion eliminates this potential embarrassment. If that’s not handy, take a lesson from the porn stars you’re ogling, use spit.

4. Don’t masturbate to a photo of your roommate’s significant other Let me set the scene: Your gym sock is in place. Your preferred web browser is open, and you’re looking for motivating material. You remember those risk-ay photos your roomie showed you of his physically appealing significant other. Before you realize how creepy you’re being, the roomy busts open the door in a drunken stupor with his girlfriend hanging on his shoulder. Both intruding parties notice the sock and the familiar Facebook photo. Congratulations! This is the end of your social life for the year.

3. Avoid the pornado You click on the link labeled, “Huge (insert genitalia slang).” Suddenly a whirlwind of virtual windows begin popping up at an astronomical rate – exponentially growing. Each window displays a sexual act that seems logistically impossible. Once again, the roomie busts open the door in a drunken stupor with his girlfriend hanging on his shoulder. Awkwardness ensues.

2. Lock the door Should be the first thing on your mind, right? Unfortunately, it’s easy to get caught up in a moment of pixilated passion and forget what should be step one in avoiding the whole mess of awkwardness. Locking the door will give you a one or two second moment of leeway to pack things up. Remember, listen for the jingle of keys.

1. Be open Face it. Unless you’re a fan of “nocturnal emissions,” you’re probably beating off a few times a week. Grow up and just ask for a few moments to yourself.

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