“Grilling isn’t like throwing a hot pocket in the microwave.”

To some, Brewer games are about two things: baseball and tailgating. To newcomers in Wisconsin, this ritualistic event can seem barbaric and crude, but to real fans, tailgating is just another part of the game. So how do you have the perfect tailgating experience? Just follow these easy dos and don’ts and you’ll be tailgating like a pro.

1) Always pre-cook your brats. Rookies to the tailgating experience will just buy the beer brats at the grocery store and throw them raw on the grill. It’s Busch League and you hate to see it, but it happens. Seasoned veteran to tailgating John Raschig intelligently commands, “Boil your brats in beer!” Never a truer word has been spoken. To get that perfect brat, follow the beer-brat ratio of 1.5 cans of beer to one package of brats, and don’t forget the onion – sliced, not chopped.

2) Never leave your grill unattended. Since it’s an open flame, you don’t want to just walk away from it. Grilling isn’t like throwing a hot pocket in the microwave; it’s much more delicate. Keep an eye on those brats because nothing is worse than a brat or burger that has been scorched to death, rendering all that work you did in beer simmering a waste.

3) Bring the right beer. Now, since I’m not 21, I know nothing about beer. I mean, underage drinking at a tailgating party is just completely unheard of. However, I have been told by my of-age friends that you don’t want to bring a bunch of heavy beers. Make sure you bring enough of it, too, as nothing is more embarrassing than running out of beer.

4) Bring extra food. A man cannot live by brats alone, though many have tried. So grab that bag of pretzels out of the cupboard on your way out the door and spend that extra two bucks on some dip. Running out of food is almost as embarrassing as running out of beer.

5) Avoid Porta-Johns. They are disgusting, for one thing, but more important, it’s hard to wash your hands after you drop the kids off at the pool with no sink. If you have to go, make sure you use some Purell so you don’t give anyone pinkeye.

6) Arrive first. The parking lots open two hours before the game starts. Get their early so that you aren’t waiting in line for an hour trying to get into the ball park. This also gives you plenty of time to start up that grill and get those tasty beer brats cooking.

7) Properly dispose of your hot coals. If you use a propane grill, more power too you, but using charcoal is a fun way to cook, as there is the possibility of seeing a massive tower of fire increase with the use of lighter fluid and charcoal. But make sure you throw away used charcoal in the hot coals bin in order to prevent fires. Make Smokey proud.

The next time you tailgate, or when you tailgate for the first time, keep these tips in mind. If you can’t be John Raschig, at least you won’t be a complete failure.

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