“*To all of the communities of Milwaukee I say, UW-Mart’s got your back.*”
- Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott

H. Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart, approached University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Chancellor Carlos Santiago as it drew near to its recent drive to fundraise 300 million dollars in order to renovate the school. Scott proposed more than Santiago had ever dreamed of in his blueprint to renovating the school into a research university making research dollars.

“I see a great future in partnership with our Wal-Mart associates here.” said Santiago. “You can get anything at a Wal-Mart, and our facilities will make sure that the super-mart has a sound and abundant supply of diverse goods ranging from pharmaceuticals to fertilizer.”

Scott’s pitch was successful, and the university will never be the same.

“I proposed to him that UW-Milwaukee is an urban public university and has the makings to serve the common people just as well as Wal-Mart has done,” Scott said. “We can work together to serve the people! Today, as University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee becomes the University of Wal-Mart, its departments and facilities, as well as its aspiring students and faculty will break new ground as we combine the ivory tower with the biggest, baddest supermart there ever was.”

Under CEO Scott, the department of medical sciences will now devote its work entirely on the research and testing of a new Wal-Mart line of pharmaceuticals that will also be sold at cousin mart, Walgreens.

Among other changes, the theatre, film and dance department have been combined to be sold to Walt Disney. The Disney Department has already announced a celebratory bill of performances for the next 10 years including “The Little Princess,” “Aladdin” and the classic favorite of Walt Disney himself, “The Birth of a Nation.”

UW-Mart will remain founded in serving the community and the different peoples of Milwaukee “as an Ivory Tower should,” stated Scott.

“From this day forth, UW-Mart will pledge a yearly surplus of our ground meat to the public school cafeterias and our tabloid magazines to their classrooms. We have also opened several maquiladora fashioned sweat-shops in the local neighborhoods and barrios to ensure a greater economic stability in this glorious age of capitalism. To all of the communities of Milwaukee I say, UW-Mart’s got your back.”

The total financial sum of the UW-Mart deal reached above and beyond the 300 million dollar goal of Chancellor Santiago, to one billion dollars. With such an amount of money, 55 Wal-Mart campus branches are to be built throughout greater Milwaukee. The total amount of Wal-Mart entities to be founded in this area will reach 4 times that in the next 10 years, and the citizens of Milwaukee don’t seem to mind much at all.

“Everything is dirt cheap!” said a local senior citizen, hopped up on some of the new Wal-vitamins. “There’s no need for a good education when you can get all this stuff with a minimum wage! But Wal-Mart’s got that for you too if you want it.”

Many scholars believe that the corporate partnership of business and academics is a national trend that has only just begun. Dairy Queen has expressed an interest in UW-Stevens Point and Kraft Inc. has already put down some cheese for UW-Oshkosh.

“The age of the research university is upon us, and America will all have access to its goods!” said Santiago in a final praise to the Wal-Mart deal. “Thus I deem the new slogan of our school UW-Mart, the free-trade of education.”

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