Event Coming to UWM, Yesterday
I’d like to inform your readers about an important event coming to campus. It’s scheduled to happen before the next issue is to be circulated, which is why I’m writing you this notice minutes before it is to be published and several days after deadline. Please alert all who can attend to do so. We will be meeting outside the Union a day before anyone will ever read this.

Thank you,
Procrastinators at UWM

CAPS LOCK ROCKS!
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I’M WRITING TO LET ALL READERS OF THE UWM POST KNOW OF A NEW MODE OF COMMUNICATION THAT REALLY GETS YOUR POINT ACROSS – CAPS LOCK. BY USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, YOUR PAPERS, STUDENT GROUP FLYERS AND PERSONAL EMAILS WILL UNDOUBTEDLY GET MORE NOTICE. YOU’LL ALSO BECOME A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY IN ANY ONLINE DISCUSSION YOU PARTAKE IN. CAPS LOCK: IT’S NOT JUST A FONT PREFERENCE – IT’S A WAY OF LIFE!

CAPS LOCK ENTHUSIAST

…and cut that long hair, too!
Dear Editor,
I’m writing to ask that the guitar enthusiast in the dorm room upstairs (N420) please refrain from practicing his playing at un-Godly hours of the night. If you want to get laid so badly, get outside of your dorm and gain some social skills. No one cares that you can play “Stairway to Heaven” or that your sensitive lyrics come from a troubled past. You’re in college now: we all live in troubled times (they’re called “8 a.m. classes”).

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