In this attempt to bite the hand that feeds, Upper Michigan must be punished.

Upper Michigan, sandwiched between America and Canada like Mongolia between China and Russia, is easy to forget about… or simply hard to remember. Nobody seems to really want it; for sure nobody seems to love it.

Is it a state? Is it a protectorate? Is it populated? Do we really know?

It may alarm you to know that since 1897 there has been ongoing talk of Upper Michigan becoming its own state, by the name of Superior. If anyone has the right to call themselves “superior,” it is not the Upper Michiganites, let me tell you.

In fact, Upper Michiganites feel so high and mighty, if not straight up “northern,” that some proposals for statehood even include incorporating several bordering Wisconsin counties.

In this attempt to bite the hand that feeds, Upper Michigan must be punished. I think it would be entirely appropriate to sow the Upper Peninsula with salt, as the Roman Empire did to Carthage following the Third Punic War, so that nothing green will grow to grace the land.

However, I must say that I am conflicted over the issue of Upper Michigan. It is only natural for territories to want to become co-equal with the 50 United States, since America is, after all, the greatest country in the world- period, end of discussion, not up for debate, the final bean in the burrito - everybody except for jealous “haters” know that. Yet, at the end of the day, Upper Michigan is not “American” enough to be counted among the states.

For one thing, Upper Michigan’s geography seems to beseechingly reach out towards Canada, reminiscent of decidedly unpatriotic American men dodging the draft, refusing to fight the Vietnamese trying to gain true independence.

Michigan’s state motto is “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.” That is lame. I bet whoever came up with that motto was an Upper Michiganian with the intent to lower American morale; there’s no other explanation. Only Maryland with its sexist state motto of “Manly deeds, womanly words” is more offensive.

Furthermore, 50 is a nice even number - what were those Upper Michiganders thinking anyway? If there were 51 states, I could no longer logically sing “50 nifty United States,” thus inconveniencing my life. To put it candidly: “51 would be troublesome.”

I would sleep easier at night knowing that Upper Michigan was merely a colony of the U.S. Empire. “But the US doesn’t have any colonies,” I hear you cry. And except for Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, Puerto Rico, the United States Virgin Islands and American Samoa you are correct, the United States does not have any colonies.

Peninsulas suck. They’re just wannabe islands. Make up your mind Upper Michigan! Do you want to be an island or not?

I wish you would, so you wouldn’t touch Wisconsin. At the same time, I’m glad you’re undecided, because as Dante wrote, those who cannot make up their minds are consigned to abide by the Gates of Hell forever!

Since Wisconsin shares a border with Upper Michigan, I think we are disproportionably affected by its activities. I don’t think it would be too great an exaggeration to say that Lake Michigan would not be polluted if its waves didn’t lap the shores of the Upper Peninsula. Wisconsinites must therefore compose the vanguard in the crusade to keep Upper Michigan in check, and if necessary, to invade it and take all their oil.

In conclusion, I think Upper Michigan needs to be put back in its place, waterboarded, a wall built along the entire Wisconsin-Upper Michigan border, an embargo placed upon that insolent would-be state, and for good measure, an opaque dome built above it to block out the sun.

The preface “Upper” has clearly made the residents of that peninsula egocentric and demanding. It should be renamed “Unspecial” or “Ordinary” Michigan, and then “Michigan” should be dropped.

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