The Bronx- The Bronx is home to some of Milwaukee’s most illustrious landmarks, including numerous 15 route bus-stops and the second largest Pick N’ Save on the entire East Side.

Upper East Side- Studio apartments starting at seven figures is a common sight on the Upper East Side. A reservation at Dorsia, a highlight of the district and one of Milwaukee’s finest dining establishments, should be made roughly three years in advance, with a bill of $550 commonly being referred to as “reasonable.”

Four Corners- If you’re going to engage in gang warfare at any point in Milwaukee, chances are that it’ll be at the Four Corners. Crip walking through this intersection will likely lead to a Caddy of Bloods putting blowholes in your Starter jacket.

Little Russia- All the sights and sounds of Russia, minus the Gulags and the borsht. If Joe Stalin were alive today, he’d most likely be living in this quaint little neighborhood. Sadly, Stalin passed away some 50 years ago, and is currently residing in a bungalow on the south side of Hell, where he is roasting under the fiery heat of a thousand angry suns.

The Valley- Milwaukee’s most famous basin is home to the single hottest point in all of America. During the infamous summer of ’07, temperatures reached upwards of 189 °F, causing robots to melt and demons to cry.

Midtown- This district is one of the most financially stable on the East Side. The area is funded by the students from surrounding districts that pay thousands of dollars for no other reason except that doing so is the next step before adulthood.

East River West- Transition district for those coming from or going to Riverwest that introduces visitors to the adjoining borough. Sometimes this area is war torn when Bros and Hipsters meet, giving the area the nickname “the East Bank.” The area is also know to host a large population of high schoolers during the main parts of the day, making the entire area inhospitable.

East Village- Richest area of East Side that is known to impose its rule on the rest of the East Side. Deemed to be better than the rest of population by the by birthright they control most of the traffic and trade routes in the area. These people care little about who they are squashing.

Hell’s Kitchen- Grimy filth ridden district that is home to a vagrant group of lazy students that are unable to do the simplest tasks such as shoveling there sidewalks or putting beer cans in the recycling bin. People hate walking in the area because they are often hit with stray beanbags. The situation is so bad, that old laws were enacted to prevent brothels from springing up.

South Central- Sometimes referred to as the Compton of the Midwest, South Central is a local favorite of those who enjoy the peaceful hum of constant gunfire. The area is also a tourist trap, as thousands flock daily to Little Caesars, whose five dollar “Hot and Ready” pies have been called “The Best in the Western Hemisphere” by Zagats.

Times Square- This iconic landmark has quickly become a symbol for city, as all roads on the planet Earth seem to lead straight through this square. Tourists come to Times Square for the Mr. Boston, but stay for the Tampico.

Lower East Side- An immigrant neighborhood at heart, the Lower East Side is primarily comprised of non-natives to the Milwaukee area. A celebratory people, those who hail from the Lower East Side are hard workers and always loyal to a cause.

Lower Lower East Side- Shit heads, the lot of ‘em.

Five Points- Intersection where five streets converge and have been known to be a host of many street brawls between the East Sides indigenous population of bros and many other groups. Don’t mention the Dead Rabbits, dems outlawed.

Riverwest Embassy- Small building that lays claim to having annexed from the East side and joined Riverwest. It is a beacon for Riverwesters that have entered into the East Side and are in need of rescue. It’s also home to some mighty good eats and quite a nice brunch. Bros beware that this area is not part of the East Side and entering is considered trespassing.

Meatpacking District- Home to two of Wisconsin’s biggest Packers fans, this quaint little district is just a stones-throw away from the Lakefront Alterra, which serves overpriced sandwiches to over-zealous yuppies that decide to expand their horizons by mingling with the common folk.

Greenwich Vaillage-This District is home to some of the city’s movers and shakers. It even rumored that former Fox 6 media graphics people have apartments there where the conduct their sick little perverse private business. There are apartments in the area that have some of the nicest views of America’s dirtiest lake.

Nobra- A disgruntled district that hates having to share its name sake with Sobra. This district contributes nothing to the Milwaukee landscape. Many consider that the district was once a landfill of the East Side. The district has long strived to make a mark for itself, but has been unable to do so due to shear lack of intelligence.

Sobra- Classier bohemian district, that above all else considers itself to be the birth of cultural Milwaukee. Area lays claim to Brady Street where its many inhabitants spend most days sitting in front of various establishments waxing intellectual about things they know very little about, but feel the need to share their lack of information with anyone that sits down to enjoy a cup of coffee or a cold tasty beer.

Western Michigan- Area of land deemed so inhospitable that is now been given to Michigan, because of how much it resembles Detroit. It is unsafe to walk in the area barefoot because of all the stems and syringes. The foul stench that rises from the water can only be described as the new Axe fragrance.

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