“*I can’t die. I’m a @%#&*^ demon!*”
- The Undertaker

Authorities are preparing an ambush at Wrestlemania XXIV of the popular wrestler known as the Undertaker, who is wanted in a string of brutal murders over the past ten years.

Referred to as “a decade of destruction,” criminal complaints allege that the Undertaker has buried six men alive and suffocated three others in body bags.

He is also wanted for three counts of attempted murder and has threatened to kill other human beings 8,741 known times.

His murder victims include the Ugandan giant Kamala, an eight-foot Mexican wrestler wearing a body suit, and an impostor Undertaker among others.

The attempted murder counts include the attempted sacrifice of a young girl, and the failed hanging of reputed prison guard the Big Boss Man. He also set his younger brother Kane on fire as a young boy, and has been trying unsuccessfully to kill him for years. He also often informs the unlucky souls that cross his path that they will soon “rest in peace” while making throat cutting gestures and erotically sticking his tongue out.

While the Undertaker is often in the public eye, he has eluded law enforcement for years, in large part due to his mysterious god-like powers.

The ‘Taker has demonstrated the ability to control lightning, teleport and do this really freaky thing where he rolls his eyes to the back of his head, confounding his would-be captors and making him nearly impossible to corral.

The Undertaker himself has had several brushes with death, being stuck inside a casket and buried on three separate occasions, only to rise again. When asked how he was able to survive each harrowing experience, he replied “I can’t die like that. I’m a @%#&*^ demon!”

Law enforcement officials are hoping that the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania opponent Edge, can wear the self-proclaimed “Lord of Darkness” down enough to capture. However, the “phenom’s” 15-0 record at the event, and invulnerability to pain will make the attempt difficult to execute.

A description of this sociopath is as follows. He is nearly seven feet tall and weighs 300 lbs. The Undertaker has long luscious black locks and wears a great deal of makeup, outside of a short phase in which he got a buzz cut, wore lots of denim and rode motorcycles. He is not fond of sunlight or happiness, and walks stiffly, as if inhuman.

Unless you have an extremely strong finishing move, please do not attempt to accost this dangerous individual, as you will most likely receive a tombstone pile driver and be sent to the fiery depths of hell.

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