You’ve been there before, deciding whether or not to take a shower before you go out. So when you choose not to you search frantically behind your plastic dresser, under all of the empty Natty Ice cans and used bottles of hair gel just to find the perfect cover up, but then there’s another dilemma: Axe or Tag?

You think back to weeks past when you tried one or the other on just to figure out what worked the best to get the inebriated girls, but still you can’t remember, so for tonight it’s Tag. Up goes the collar and down go the standards as you make your way towards North Ave. to meet up with your other “Save the Earth” t-shirt wearing, pop-my-collar, no-undershirt-wearing bro’s.

As you enter the bar, there she is, the girl your buds pick out for you to pick up before the end of the night. The wager with your bro’s: $50, and you say it’s not a problem. You make your way to the bar to order a round of Jagerbombs and vodka Redbulls, stumbling because it’s too dark and you can’t take off your fake Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, showing off your chest hair the entire way through the crowd. She’s impressed when you buy her a drink, but whispers to her friends and they start to laugh and you get nervous.

Frantically you make your way to the men’s room, where conveniently there’s an old guy with a can of Axe selling sprays and asking for tips for turning the water on for you. For a spray: $10. You can’t help but think that Tag was the wrong choice for this catch so there goes $20, you have to tip, but it’s worth it, you’re getting $50 and hopefully a quickie, in every sense of the word.

So back to the bar you go, whoops, you forgot to check your hair gel in the mirror. Now back to the bar. You engage in some conversation with the blonde in heels and a skirt, it’s January but your standards aren’t the only ones plummeting. The topic of choice is of course your favorite; how much you love protein shakes, lifting weights and playing “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith on you’re acoustic guitar. As the conversation sways away from you and she starts talking to her friends you make a last ditch effort to get her under the covers, so you ask her and her friends to go to a different bar in hopes that it will separate her from her friends and you will have to take her home, knowing it would end good. She says that she’s going to stay because friends are meeting her at this bar and that’s when you realize that on this night neither Tag nor Axe worked, without even thinking that it could have been you and not the scent.

So there goes your money, hopes, dreams and to anyone else self-esteem, but you’re a bro, and there’s always tomorrow night, another can of Axe and another potential victim.

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