The edition of explosions to any event makes said event exponentially more excellent. Also, the Oscars could use some more alliteration.

1.) Choose presenters who have more charisma than Janet Reno. She may be cute, but I felt severely uncomfortable when Katherine Heigl got up on stage, admitted that she was nervous and then proceeded to sheepishly read her lines as her face grew a bolder shade of red. What’s even more embarrassing was that she immediately upstaged by the Rock and Hannah Montana.

2.) Don’t have people like the Rock and Hannah Montana present awards. First off, the demographic that tunes in for a five hour masturbation of the Hollywood elite probably aren’t the same who are shelling out half a grand for Hannah Montana tickets. Secondly, only have the Rock come out if he is in his wrestling gear. The Oscar’s could use some more man-bulge.

3.) Tell the orchestra to not cut off the interesting winners. Before Marketa Irglova could even say a word, the microphone went dead and the music started playing. I was ready to fire-bomb each member of the orchestra’s homes. Thankfully, she got brought back out and gave the best speech of the night. Which leads me to my next point…

4.) Bring back John Stewart as host. He has no problems mocking Hollywood, the Oscars and even himself, so he isn’t as rigid as some hosts in the past. Plus, he can also make jokes on the fly, which provides a viewing experience that is actually entertaining.

5.) Explosions. The edition of explosions to any event makes said event exponentially more excellent. Also, the Oscars could use some more alliteration.

6.) Cut back on the montages. Seriously. The writers were obviously aware of their abundance, considering that they had two montages that were mocking the idea of montages. I don’t need to be refreshed every year on winners and hosts of the past.

7.) Throw down some sneak-peeks at movies that might be featured at next year’s ceremony. There are already front-runners for movies in ‘08 that might get nominated, so why not give viewer’s a glimpse at some of these. If a scene or preview were going to be shown for the new Sam Mendes or David Fincher film, I might not feel the urge to go Facebook-stalking during the entire show.

8.) Give the Best Picture Award to the actual best picture of the year. As great as “No Country for Old Men” was, “There Will Be Blood” trumped it in every conceivable fashion. If you disagree with me, I will fight you. That is no lie.

9.) Unite America by mocking the dead instead of honoring them. It was a given that Heath Ledger was going to be honored last during the montage, and no one really talked about it in the morning. However, if they would have mocked his Australian heritage, crappy early career and the entire fiasco that was “The Brothers Grimm,” water coolers would have been ablaze come Monday morning.

10) Have me choose all of the nominees and winners. That way, I won’t have to write this column again next year, saving us all a whole lot of time.

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