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Fist-fighting a Yeti
10 family friendly activities for those cold winter nights
By Marty Sliva
Tangents aside, most of us lack the motivation, as well as the costly expedition gear to brave the treachery of a Milwaukee winter.
Let’s face it, folks--it’s colder than a Yeti’s perineum outside. Any temperature less than the combined score of a pre-Gretzky NHL game is considered bad times in my book.
Some people defend the cold and say that it’s part of what gives Wisconsin its character. Well guess what, kiddo? That toothless guy at the townie bar sipping on his seventh Lucky Lager and mumbling about how he was almost a walk-on for the Badgers during the Carter administration also gives our state character.
Tangents aside, most of us lack the motivation, as well as the costly expedition gear to brave the treachery of a Milwaukee winter. Lucky for you, we have compiled a list of activities that allow you to stay indoors while Old-Man Winter is having his way with your shingles.
1) Pick a random friend of a friend of a friend and just spend the entire night Facebook stalking them. Not only will you pass the time, but it will also prepare you in the event that you ever meet this person. Instead of just introducing yourself, you can comment on how cute his little sister looked in last year’s Christmas Eve pics.
2) Study Best Supporting Actress nominees over the course of the past 25 Academy Awards. Not only will it increase your knowledge, but you can also wow your friends by explaining to them how Vanessa Redgrave was robbed in ‘92 for her performance in “Howards End,” even though you’ve never actually seen the film.
3) Stand two people at opposite ends of a long and dimly lit hallway, and have them toss a Frisbee back and forth. All thoughts of nasty weather will be forgotten the moment someone gets a spinning disc lodged in their eye-socket.
4) Make yourself a Boston Tampico (three parts Mr. Boston Vodka and three parts orange Tampico), put a log on the fire, and have a stimulating discussion revolving around the subtle dip in quality exhibited in many of Tolstoy’s later works.
5) See how many saltine crackers you can eat in two minutes without drinking anything. After what is sure to be a monumental failure, you will be humbled as if you had just finished watching “Gandhi” for the first time.
6) Buy “Settlers of Catan.” Sit down with three close friends to play this board game. Two hours later, marvel at the fact that you now despise these three people so much that you are willing to construct a time machine and travel back 20-some years just to cock block each of their fathers.
7) Stand face-to-face with a full length mirror and proceed to do squat thrusts in front of it. As long as you hold eye contact with that sexy stallion in front of you, you should have no problem getting to one thousand. After that, treat yourself to a Powerbar. You deserved it, champ.
8) Watch “American Psycho.” No witty quips here, it’s just an awesome flick that should be experienced by all on a weekly basis.
9) Look up some fairly obscure terms on Wikipedia. This will allow you to drop some majestic allusions without fear of being called out on your ignorance. Some suggestions include freebase, slush fund, Bergen-Belsen, Grenada and Lady Bird Johnson.
10) Just go to sleep. When you wake up, the sun will be out again and we’ll be one day closer to the end of this hellish demon known as winter.
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