I have heard many people — including my grandmother — call gum chewers “cows” because of their chewing habits. Who wants to be called a cow?

When I was a kid, I used to sneak gum at my friends’ houses. Their parents would offer me a piece of gum and my big blue eyes would look up at them from my little blonde pigtailed self. How could anyone ever doubt that innocent face?

I wasn’t allowed to have gum. My mother hated gum. I’m sure she still does, despite the fact that we don’t often discuss her irritation with sugary rubber. Now I can’t stand gum; I never chew it and I get disgusted when others do.

I still remember the first time I ever blew a bubble. My best friend just got a new baby sister (who is a senior in high school now) and her parents gave out pink cigars made entirely of bubble gum. Keep in mind, these were the days when candy cigarettes were still acceptable, we were allowed (and expected) to make tree forts ourselves out of wood and nails, and no one wore helmets when riding bikes.

I took the “cigar” and bit off a chunk of the end, as my friend tried to tell me how to blow a bubble. I couldn’t get the gum to flatten out enough; I kept spitting the gum out on accident. Finally, I shoved that whole cigar in my mouth, and chewed until it was nice and ready. (Definitely a choking hazard.) I blew a huge bubble and was so proud of myself.

Gum kept its charm for a couple more years while I was a child, then a young teenager. Gum seemed rebellious and bad, seeing as my mom thought it was “trashy.” When I started smoking, drinking and getting high, gum was the way to cover my other vices. My mom didn’t like the gum, but she would have blown her top if she had known the smells it was covering.

All of these years later, as it has probably been ten years since I’ve chewed a piece of gum for the sake of chewing gum, I find gum “trashy” as well. Everyone says you go through stages in your life where your parents know everything, then your parents know nothing, then your parents know everything, then your parents know a lot, but are human. I am in the last stage, and let me tell you, my mom was right about that gum stuff, it’s gross.

Think about it; gum pulls plaque and bacteria out of your teeth, then you chew it for an hour or so, leaving not only the original junk on your teeth, but also sugar from the gum. When you blow a bubble, you are filling that bubble with tiny spit particles. When the bubble pops, the spit goes all over your face and anyone who is near you. Think about that: sugary spit sprayed all over your most acne-prone area. That must be good for your skin.

Those two are more health-related reasons why not to chew gum, but there are reasons I find more important. Smacking on gum makes one look like a hooker. I always tell my sister that. She rolls her eyes but spits it out, or chews quietly so I can’t hear or see what is in her mouth. Trust me; I don’t want to know what your mouth contains. The sound of spit squishing in and out of gum makes me gag. I have heard many people — including my grandmother — call gum-chewers “cows” because of their chewing habits. Who wants to be called a cow?

Popping gum while chewing it is also an extremely annoying noisy habit that many suffer from. I’m not talking about just those who commit the atrocious act, but those of us trying to pay attention around the gum chewer. I was stuck in a class the other day, with a rave going on outside the window of my Bolton Hall classroom, when a girl in my class kept popping her gum. Perhaps she thought that the drug-induced musical selection was not distracting enough.

All in all, I find gum-chewing to be one of the most distracting, disgusting, trashy habits around. I avoid gum chewers. My friends, family and everyone I’ve dated know that I can’t stand gum and do their best to keep it away from me. I don’t ask that everyone quit chewing gum (that’s an irrational request, right?); I just don’t want to hear it or see it.

Do what you must to satisfy your oral fixation, but as long as I can’t smoke when I want, I would suggest keeping gum-chewing away from me.

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