I wonder what part of the Bible had to do with Jonah riding on the spout of a whale flying through golden hoops to collect points.

“The Bible Game,” a slow-paced dive into the action world of Bible-based mini games. Yes, this is one of those special games I couldn’t help but pick up while resisting my normal urges to throw it in a dumpster.

This game plays as a game show where you compete in 12 mini games and Bible trivia and pick random numbers for points while learning a bit about the Bible. While “The Bible Game” carries the catch phrase “Learn about the bible while you have fun,” it really doesn’t teach you anything … And it’s not really fun.

The only part of the game that teaches you anything is the mini game “Testament Trivia,” an infrequent part of the game where you have about a tenth of a second to read the question and select the wrong answer, then curse and lose any hope of learning anything in your anger.

The rest of the game barely gets off as biblical. Sure the games are loosely based off popular biblical stories but I wonder what part of the Bible had to do with Jonah riding on the spout of a whale flying through golden hoops to collect points.

The game consists of several rounds wherein you try to earn points in mini games and trivia. Towards the end of each round there’s a good chance you might be screwed over like I was when I kept getting the “Wrath of God” spot on the board and a swarm of locusts would come and steal all my points for the round.

What did I do in this happy-go-lucky game to earn the wrath of God? When actually thinking about it many answers flew through my head but I came up with a solution. After I lost that first game I renamed my character Moses instead of the previous name of Benis. All the other characters in the game had biblical names so I figured it was the game’s way of rooting out the non-biblical one and giving him or her “the wrath of god.” The second play-through I ended up with a sweet second place.

There are some good things about the game, for instance: the ability to crush the computer opponents in most of the mini games feels pretty good. Also I must praise the mini games “The Wall of Jericho” and “Destroy the False Idols.” Riding a pony on a burning wall dodging burning pillars — or maybe they are baskets of apples, not sure — is fun. “Destroy the False Idols” is great as you get to push random gold statues into a pit of lava and see who can push the most in.

Aside from these games and bouncing across the Red Sea, I would still have to say this game is terrible. With many lame mini games, rag doll characters (some of which have no eyes, only pupils!) and my lack of learning anything about the Bible at all while playing, it should be stripped of everything but the pony ride and be renamed “Pony Apple Smash.” Now that would be a great game.

Don’t buy “The Bible Game” or even rent it — borrow it if you must play it.

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