Disturbing toys
By Katie Schmitt
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Looking back now, it’s easy to see the freak factor in a lot of 1980s children’s toys.
Maybe these toys didn’t creep us out back when our innocent minds embraced any toy we were able to get our hands on, but looking back now, it’s easy to see the freak factor in a lot of 1980s children’s toys. Here is a brief list of just some of the toys we loved that now perplex and horrify us.
Stretch Armstrong
Who had the idea that a wrestler doll whose limbs could be stretched about four times the length of his body was a good idea for a toy? The toy company Kenner did in 1976, and they were right. Vicious little boys and girls loved the concept of a doll they could literally pull to pieces, or at least deform. Those who owned the doll recall how much fun it was to play with, and then how disappointing it was when the elasticity wore out and Stretch’s limbs took on a lifeless, mutant appearance.
Garbage Pail Kids
OK, these aren’t really toys but they are so disturbing I can’t leave them out. The original Garbage Pail Kids took the form of cards and stickers manufactured by Topps from 1985 to 1988. The characters on these cards and stickers were really popular for their gross and/or oddity factor. The first series included characters such as Dressy Jesse (a cross-dresser), Nervous Rex (a chain-smoker and caffeine addict) and Joltin’ Joe (who totes around a machine gun and explosives). Visit gpkcentral.com/index.php and enter your name to find your very own twisted Garbage Pail Kid identity.
My Buddy
This doll inspired the satanic doll named Chucky in the “Child’s Play” movies. The firm plastic head looked somewhat realistic, but the body was plush and over-stuffed to the point where the hands and feet looked swollen. Another fact about this doll that is disturbing on a different (social) level: the original doll’s clothes were removable, but when the doll underwent a makeover in the 1990s, the only thing removable was his hat. Fact: manufacturers wanted this doll to appeal to young boys — on a friendship level. I’ll let you decide if the former has anything to do with the latter.
Baby Alive
The Hasbro Web site describes this doll with deranged enthusiasm: “She still "eats" and "poops," and now she's more “life-like” than ever. Best of all, your little girl is sure to love playing "mommy” to this special doll as much as you did years ago.” Great idea - have your little girl rear a child before she’s even entered kindergarten. Now, that’s fun! Even more fun: the selection of babies to give, which come in only three races: African American, Caucasian and Hispanic, and all come dressed in pink. Hasbro claims they look “life-like,” but I’ve never seen a baby with eyes the size of golf balls.
Mad Balls
It’s amazing how popular this useless toy became — so popular that these rubber balls with grotesque faces got their own comic, animated TV show and video game. Madballs were tennis-ball sized (or larger: “Super Madballs”) sports balls with monster faces on them and names that would never go over today, including “Swine Sucker” and one with an exposed brain named “Crack Head.”
My Size Bride Barbie
If the thought of a life-sized Barbie dressed in a pink floral bridal gown intended to inspire the little girls who owned this doll to wear the gown and dream of her own wedding day doesn’t disturb you, I don’t know what will.


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