Have you ever been in class with someone who is sneezing, sniffling, coughing and touching everything? Of course you have. These throwbacks to kindergarten are all over the place this time of the year.

I don’t think I ask for much. If you sneeze or cough, cover your mouth. Hell, bring Kleenex. I do. Open doors with your sleeve or at least carry hand sanitizer. For the love of Pete, stop touching everything!

There are approximately 28,000 students in this school and we all end up touching each other in a “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” way. That might sound sick, but think of how many people you brush past every day. So, by the end of the day, you could have the germs of thousands of students on your arm.

Then, you have your hands full and your chin itches. You reach up with your arm and scratch it, touching your mouth to everyone else’s germs. EWWW!

I am usually not psychotically obsessive-compulsive about germs — until cold and flu season. I work over 50 hours a week, and I am full time in school. If I get really sick, I have to suffer through it, and it takes forever to go away because I don’t get enough sleep.

Okay, I understand I am sounding whiney, but I have a right. I have a sinus infection. Two weeks ago, a girl in one of my classes sniffled the entire time we were in class. She sneezed into her hand, rubbed it on her pants and proceeded to touch the desk, the seat and each doorknob in the class.

I washed my hands about 15 times that day, just to put off the inevitable. I open doors with my sleeve or my hip. I try not to stand too close to anyone. Unfortunately, working at a newspaper makes that impossible.

A newsroom is like a daycare center. Everybody uses each other’s computers, drinks out of each other’s beverages, shares snacks and I wouldn’t be surprised if some were sleeping together.

So when a coworker walked into the office the other day so stuffed up he could barely breathe, I knew it was on. I tried to take a painful amount of vitamin C to combat the germs that were already in my system.

It didn’t work.

Now I’m the one sniffling, coughing and sneezing. One of my coworkers called the originator of the office cold “the outbreak monkey” today. I laughed until I coughed, sneezed and almost passed out from lack of oxygen. It was funny, but accurate. Who do I blame this on? Let me tell you.

Here’s to you, girl who sneezes into her hand and touches the desk. Cheers, lady who uses the bathroom, doesn’t wash her hands and opens the door to get out. Thanks a million, guy who coughs on me on the bus. All my adoration, people who cough on the sign-in sheet, then hand it to me. I love you guys.

Did the sarcasm drip out of that little ode? Sorry, I have an excuse. I am really sick. I am trying like hell to pretend like I feel decent, but I really don’t feel like I am doing a very good job. I am a little cranky.

Excuse me? What did you say? Do you wanna fight? What? Wait, what?

Oh, thanks, yeah, it is my birthday. Oops.

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