The gods are teasing us with the promise of warm weather, and the miniskirt in the back of the closet is just begging to come out. In some cases, it already has.

The questionable fashions I see out and about has led me to ponder the question: When is it appropriate to dress like a "ho?" Is it ever acceptable?

I asked my friends and colleagues and we came up with this (definitive) list.

1. On Halloween. You can get away with wearing almost anything (and nothing) on Halloween, because it is the day of disguise, and no one will take anything you wear (or don't wear) seriously. It's the best day to try out that bare-it-all outfit with no consequences.
2. At a trashy bar (e.g. College and you want to end up on their Web site/ advertisement). If you dress like anything other than a ho at these establishments, you will feel like a prude. Bring out the cans for College Bar and you might end up as their new spokesperson.
3. Before you have sex. Victoria Secret has made a lot of money from selling sexy, skimpy outfits. While there is some argument as to whether lingerie is "ho-ish," it is universally accepted that the less you wear to bed, the better. It is much easier to undo a tiny clasp or a two-inch zipper than to wrestle off a turtleneck and jeans.
4. If there is honey in the room. Flashback to R. Kelly's steamy song/video "Honey." Anytime you and that special someone are feeling the heat and honey's in the house, it's perfectly acceptable to flash a little boob and a little booty. Because if you don't, your clothes will be all sticky, and who knows what awkward conversation that will spawn when mom comes over to help you clean.
5. Meeting the boy/girlfriend's parents for the first time. Nothing says "I am serious about your daughter/son" and "I am a decent person" like a skin-tight, skin-bearing outfit. There is always hope they will be staring at your personality instead of your cleavage.
6. Mother's Day? Is this mom? Or her daughter? Or both in some sort of strange bonding experience. I'm not exactly sure. One of my colleagues swore to me that this was an acceptable "ho" situation.
7. If you have a really really horrible day. Every girl has a day or two where she feels like hell and needs a pick-me-up. There is something satisfying about walking down the street in a slutty outfit and knowing that every guy is looking at you. That said, this one is easy to get carried away with. You should never make this a habit of validation -- that can only lead to trouble.
8. If you do/don't want a promotion. This is a delicate situation, one that needs to be handled with finesse. It requires a thorough analysis of your workplace, and, more importantly, of your boss. Is he the type to keep mistresses on the side and make inappropriate jokes? If he is, then dressing like a "ho" will in fact get you a promotion because he cares more about your ass than your brain anyway. But if he's rather dry, dutifully married, and treats you with respect, wearing that saucy outfit to work will only hinder your chances -- he's into brains.
9. If you are a stripper/waitress at Hooters. If you hold any of the above occupations (I am in no way saying they are the same), you are getting paid for your body, specifically to show off as much of it as possible. The better you look and the more you show it off, the more money you make. Face it, men wouldn't go to a strip club if there was no promise of seeing a woman's goodies, but only recitations of bad poetry. Likewise, there would be less Hooter's appeal if the women did not show off their hooters and asses, but instead wore untailored smocks.
10. Always and never. In an ideal world, there would be no slutty outfits, and people would not be judged by their appearances but by their personalities. But we live in a world very, very, very far from ideal and looks do matter. And when it comes to the looking, it is most often the men with the eyes. And men like to see women in barely-there outfits. And women like that men like that.

I'm still not sure if dressing like a "ho" empowers women or just serves them to men just how they like them. But I guess, to reuse an old adage, if the skirt comes in mini, they will wear it.

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