Unfortunately, protection and taste buds are not compatible.

We all know that little kids have the tendency to put everything they see in their mouths. If the object is too big, they will try, fail and then lick whatever is in their hands.

How, exactly, is this different from college students? Saying nothing about drugs, alcohol and some of the foods we eat (or have eaten), we still have a propensity to put things in our mouths.

Think about it: oral sex is becoming more popular everyday, and with the competitiveness of the dating market, we have to be wily and creative in the sack. At the same time, we have to keep ourselves protected. Unfortunately, protection and taste buds are not compatible.

To get to the point: condoms taste like crap.

I don’t know if it’s the latex, the lubricant or the spermicide, but they are really awful. Not only are they horrible in your mouth, but the taste lingers on whatever genital region it was flush with.

Now this may seem like a minor problem, but in the throes of passion, when breaking from one sexual position to the other and deciding to detour for a moment, this can really ruin the flow. A break in the flow of sex can throw off the whole experience.

The taste of latex (or lube or spermicide or all of the above) has nasty staying power. Not only will it stay on body parts, but it tends to withstand even powerful saliva. The taste stays in your mouth for awhile before dissipating. It remains in your mouth even after kissing your partner, which leads me to wonder if the taste is at all transferred during the tongue hockey that tends to ensue during sexual romps.

This probably wouldn’t bother me so much if I wasn’t damn sure that we have the capacity to come up with condoms that don’t taste like death. We have put a man on the moon, found a way to wipe out the entire world if need be and created cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated and comes in a spray can. And we can’t make a pleasant tasting condom? This is madness!

Of course, there are flavored condoms for this exact reason, but let me tell you, they are not living up to the standard set by the advancements made in chemistry. I have never attempted to use one of these, but for curiosity’s sake, I have tasted them.

You can still taste the latex through the sugary coating, and it creates this gross mixture of flavors. It tastes just as you would imagine the plastic fruit tastes on your grandmother’s coffee table. It is a weird combination of plastic with fake flavoring.

Don’t even try to have intercourse with these flavored condoms on either. I have expressed this in the past, but sugar does not go well with girl parts. This means that if you decide to switch from intercourse to oral or vice versa, you would need to switch condoms each time.

Nobody has that kind of patience. This means that those who engage in the practice just have to put up with the taste of latex if sucking after sex. Now, that may sound crass, but let’s be honest: If you enjoy giving head, you will embrace this moniker, and if you don’t, I wasn’t talking about you anyway.

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