By Bernard Wilterdink Jacobsen and Chad Dyson

The Post’s A&E department found the two most diametrically opposed movie personalities and forced them to function as one critic. One is a film aficionado who dives deep into the film’s artistic center. The other can be found perusing the video store’s Van Damme and Vin Diesel collection.

Chad: Damn, dude, why you all got to be sitting next to me in the theater and sh--? I want my one-seat comfort zone. What if there were ladies in that place, and they saw us and sh--?

Bernard: What's your problem? Dubya fear-mongering into a homophobic corner?

Chad: Dude, I ain't no queer or nothing but still ... dude.

Bernard: Viewing a film is akin to an art exhibit. Two people must experience it together in close proximity to have a successful dialogue about it afterward. A space between us makes for two different perspectives.

Chad: Dude, I could smell your rank a-- cologne. You smell like Ben Affleck looked, dude.

Bernard: “Hollywoodland” wove a murder mystery and celebrity societal indictment into a smooth tapestry of intrigue that kept the audience pondering on multiple fronts. Based on the mysterious real death of George Reeves, the film delves the audience into Hollywood’s darkest side.

Chad: Plus, it had that guy with the weird nose, Adrien Brody; that dude that porked Liv Tyler in "Armageddon," Ben Affleck; and best Smee ever, Bob Hoskins.

Bernard: (Sips martini and rubs temples with thumbs) The historical impact of rampant corruption and hidden truths is a universal theme brought to new light in the majestic setting of the ’50s. The Norman Rockwell time period is blown open, much like Brody’s character, Simo, uncovering Reeves' tainted demise.

Chad: Wait, dude. Was Ben Affleck really Superman?

Bernard: Please, stop hurting my mind. The film circled the drain of overt symbolism in the use of Reeve's role as the TV Superman. It delivered the appropriate punch, expanding on the human desire to play the role of the perfect individual, even though we all know where our flaws lie.

Chad: Dude, Ben Affleck played Superman really well ... maybe because it wasn't a stretch for him to play a washed-out actor.

Bernard: Yes, Affleck has stumbled in the past with forgettable roles in films like “Gigli.” “Hollywoodland” brought him out of the shadows and back into the light with acting more akin to "Good Will Hunting" and "Chasing Amy."

Although, the brilliant supporting cast of Diane Lane, Adrien Brody and Bob Hoskins could have made Gary Busey look like Brando. I knew it was fine acting when I forgot about celebrity in the movie, and started caring for the real-life characters they portrayed.

Chad: Dude they can’t hold a candle to Vinny D., but I will give Affleck props, though. But man, did that story ever end, how many people actually killed Superman?

Bernard: Yes last portion of the film could have been tightened bit. The crescendo felt more like a sluggish groan. And for the last time, it wasn't a Superman movie.

Chad: That movie took longer than I do on the toilet after I go out for Mexican food. It took forever, and then it was just like, over. They need to take lessons for, like, ending a movie and shit. I could have finished that movie in, like, half the time. I mean, I see it's more for you artsy people and stuff, but still, I'm lucky I spilled my Dew.

Bernard: What did you expect? Did you wanna see Hoskins driving a speed boat off ramp, land in a seedy drug warehouse, and brutally disembowel a bunch of coked-up thugs with an Uzi and lame one-liners? Is that what you want?

Chad: Man, I’m just saying: why can't we go see a movie with some explosions and breasts. Though they did talk like sailors, and hit that Jack thoroughly hard throughout the movie, I still say we should have gone to see something with a little more excitement. I mean why I got to be thinking and sh--.

Bernard: Get that “Fast and the Furious” DVD out of my entertainment system, now!

Chad: Just wanted to fill up on a little Diesel.

Bernard: (Pops pain pills) Hollywood delivers more than a typical sensationalized account of true events. It’s a mind-opening jaunt into our own perceptions of our realities and how we deal with their truths and our delusions.

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