Archived: Apr 30, 2007

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College = $

Episode III: Adults

By Tyler Gaskill

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Adam yells in shock, Carl, it doesnt even make sense. If you took my brain, youd stop being you, and youd be me instead. And if I got a new brain, I wouldnt be me anymore either.

In Episode II, Adam Smith catered an employee party for an insurance company his old roommate, Carl Mark, worked for. Carls career was light years ahead of the dreamer (aka lazy), Adam Smith. Carl threw gold coins and laughed in the face of Adam Smiths plight. Fifteen years later â?¦

Carl slams his fist down on the picnic table and causes tall stacks of doubloons to crash. He screams, Just give me your damned brain!

The outburst causes stares from fellow classmates at Carl and Adams 20-year high school reunion. Adam Smith stuffs his burger in his mouth “ eating half in a bite.

Adams face is like a pillow from the years of limited physical activity. Adam replies, sending chunks of burger into the air, You cant buy my brain, Carl. Are you damaged? Are we in some kind of weird sci-fi movie? Id die if you took my brain.

I can just buy you a new brain after I take yours, says Carl. Its the future, we can do anything. Once I have your brain my empire of success will be legendary!

Adam yells in shock, Carl, it doesnt even make sense. If you took my brain, youd stop being you, and youd be me instead. And if I got a new brain, I wouldnt be me anymore either.

Carl laughs and says, Buying a mind is no different than getting a face transplant. If the one youve got isnt doing it for you, just get a new one.

Twenty-eight minutes ago, Adam sat at a picnic table eating two overcooked hot dogs. He wondered why he came to his high school reunion. He still talked to a few high school friends. All these other people, he couldnt even remember their names.

Suddenly a man screamed in a shrill voice while pointing to the sky, Holy [expletive]ing [expletive], the [expletive]ing moon is coming straight at us.

Adam Smith calmly looked up at the approaching, massive, dull grey sphere. Before the moons new PA system announced Carl Marks name, Adam Smith knew it was him.

Adam read the issue of Fortune that discussed wealthy industrialist Carl Marks decision to hollow out the moon to expand cubical space for his company “ Marks Capitol Inc.

The article neglected to approach the issue of the moon turning off on the nights of holidays MCI employees are given off. Nor did the article mention Carl attaching engines to the moon so he could drive it to occasions such as his 20 year high school reunion.

When the MCI-Moon stopped accelerating, a small helicopter came out of it and landed inches from the reunions grill. Carl emerged wearing a tuxedo with long coattails. It looked like Carl had put on 100 pounds of muscle.

He stepped out of the copter and tipped his top hat towards the crowd. He flexed his arms and drew gasps from the crowd. Carl pulled a satchel of doubloons from his coat pocket and showered his former classmates in riches.

Carl stopped painfully pelting his classmates backs with coins as they searched for gold in the grass on all-fours. He saw a portly man sitting at a table in the distance and yelled, You over there, at the table! Why are you not accepting my gift?

Adam turned towards Carl. Carl excitedly said, L-look at this! My old college dorm mate. Now a sad truffle-shuffling fat man!

Adam responded, Im sorry, whats your name again?

Carl roared, Shut your face! The entire human race knows who I am, and they always will. Even after becoming a one-hit-wonder author, you still think youre better than me.

After letting out a long and airy burp, Adam said, I wrote a book that gained national attention and you think you can make me feel like I havent achieved anything?

Carl walked past his old classmates and joined Adam at a picnic table and said, You wrote a mid-level thriller that keeps your attention long enough to forget whos the author.

I read that Newsweek review of my book as well, Carl, said Adam. I see youre still struggling with originality. Carl tensed in anger. Adam continued, Carl, the reason I stopped writing after I met success is because I got enough money to do what I always wanted “ travel, spend time with my friends and family, and just relax.

I see youre still struggling to pay the bills, snapped Carl too late for the joke to be effective.

I see youre still buying your friends, said Adam.

Carl winced, and caused a sickening amount of muscles in his face to flex. Silently, Carl placed a tray of gold coins on the table. The coins were stacked in neat towers. Carl replied, I want to buy your brain.

Adam paused in complete confusion, What?

Your brain, started Carl, is the only area in life youve ever been able to beat me in. And now I have the power to take that from you.

Still confused, Adam replied, What?

Carl slammed his fist down on the picnic table and caused the tall stacks of doubloons to crash onto the table.

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