Remember how amazed you were when you discovered that you inserted part A in to slot B. Quite frankly I was intrigued on how this process actually worked.

At what point in life do you actually figure out what your genitals are used for? Remember how amazed you were when you discovered that you inserted part A in to slot B?

Quite frankly, I was intrigued on how this process actually worked.

I remember trying to visualize the processes that I had discovered to be sex. Then came about my brief experience into making my own porn. Dont worry, no real people were involved.

I spent way too much time one night with my grade-school best friend doing something that some would consider very strange and actually very creepy.

My friend and I would spend hours playing video games in his basement. Mario and Starfox “ we just couldnt get enough of them. Then we discovered one of the most influential books of my childhood and thought we could use a video game to make it better. Good God were we wrong.

While calling home one day, in an attempt to spend the night at my friends, we stumbled upon The Joy of Sex on his parents bookshelf. I remember how we flipped through the pages looking at the horrible 70s illustrations of various sexual positions and were overcome with preteen horniness.

We wanted to know how some of the things in this book exactly worked, but dinner was on soon, so we would formulate the plan while we ate Mac and Cheese in front of T.G.I.F. or some other splendid programming.

After dinner, my friend ran distraction (beat up his little brother) while I snuck the book into the basement.

We used Mario Paint to make our own porn. Yeah, this sounds incredible creepy, I am well aware of that now. I was a preteen, with just as many problems as you had, so give me a break, OK?

But those hours we spent in his basement using the spray can tool on the pubes, we had just recently discovered them, seeing as they were beginning to sprout on us.

Now how in the hell will I relate this to relationships? Relationships are more than just about sex. I know this, you know this, but sex is important, an integral part of this, pretty damn important from my experience.

Bad sex equals one destined-to-fail, coming-to-a-close relationship, just like the horrible relationship we had created with the combination of porn and Mario Paint. That was such a bad idea; I cant even get into the crap we created.

Just imagine what a couple of 12-year-olds thought that sex was from looking at the hippies version of the Kama Sutra. Lets just say that was bad sex.

And now I look back at some of the bad sex Ive had, (Im not going to say whether I was or wasnt to blame for the bad sex, I just know it was bad) and think that my partner and I really looked like those awkward pixilated couples which we created. Those relationships ended quite quickly and quite coldly.

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