This is Episode I of IV of Tyler Gaskills allegorical exploration of greed versus sloth, written in the format of The Odd Couple.

For the second time in a week, Adam Smiths dorm roommate, Carl Mark, demanded they measure their penises.

How about we settle this argument once and for all! Carl roared while holding a T-square.

The two 19-year-olds frequently debated. Only once before did they require a penis measurement to settle it. Due to a tie, they moved on to rock, paper, scissors. Paper conquers rock “ Adam won in a best-of-21 series.

This time, Carl continued with bulging eyes behind his gold-rimed glasses, we use the metric system! Down to the millimeter! Carl held out two fingers attempting to mimic the length of a millimeter.

Thirty minutes ago, Carl and Adam were enjoying day 49 of their freshman year in college. Adam wore his sweater that was approaching three months unwashed and listened to music. Carl sat in a beanbag chair. He donned a black three-piece suit with a red power tie and monitored his recent $120 stock investment on a laptop while watching CNBC.

Carl turned to Adam, Can you turn that damn racket off. Im trying to make my money work for me.

Its not racket. Theyre called Ween, Adam replied coldly.

Sounds like a lot of beeps and boops, Carl said cracking his voice while attempting to recreate electronic sounds. Theyre just trying to be different. Who cares? It sounds too weird.

The Boss, on the other hand â?¦ Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen “ he is music. If you cant jam to the Boss, you need to move back to Communist Russia. With his eyes closed, Carl bobbed his head to a remembered tasty Springsteen lick.

Adam sat annoyed a moment and replied, I was just celebrating the A I got on my paper.

Carl snapped out of his Boss haze, You mean the A you got in a hippie course any half-wit could breeze through once they learn to write for the professor?

Adam tucked his long blonde locks behind both ears, No, I mean the class that demands originality, unlike your financial planning course.

Carls personal secretary entered with fresh coffee. She always dressed business casual and sat at a desk crammed into the hallway of their suite. Carl screamed, Not now Ethel!

She exited after a precise 180-degree turn, tearing the puke colored fabric lining the floor.

Thats horrible, remarked Adam.

Cool it, hippie, Carl started. Youre just pi-

Adam cut him off, Im not a hippie. I like how long hair looks on me. At least I didnt spend every dollar I earned in high school at The Mens Warehouse.

Carl quickly stood up, pulled a derringer from his ankle holster, and pointed it at Adam, You said my suits were off limits! Adam froze and watched the shaking pea-shooter aimed at his face. Carl yelled, Who could respect you looking like that? Im sorry I dress like I want to make something of myself, instead of a â?¦ he paused in thought.

Hobo? Adam responded.

Shut your face! Carl said, jerking the gun closer to Adams face.

Their suitemate, Lee, walked into their suite. He wore gym shorts and a white t-shirt. While eating an apple he said, Hey guys, whats happening?

No response.

Carl, I think thats the first time Ive seen you with any form of stubble. Growing a beard?

Kicking the desk, Carl yelled, Im not a hippie. My face only hairs-out when Im stressed!

What? Asked Lee.

Carl burst out, Adam is jealous that I was accepted to Northwestern, and he could only manage a hyphenated University.

Lee responded while chewing on the apple, Yeah, but you go here too.

Only because I was kicked out of Northwestern! Carl yelled.

For cheating in a creative writing class, said Adam. He didnt know who Allen Ginsberg was.

Lee responded, I dont know who Allen Ginsberg is.

Carl looked at Lee, Thank you. You see? Who has time to waste on that [expletive]? Most of us are too busy getting our lives in gear.

Adam laughed a moment, Yeah, well at least meet people with depth.

Carl put the derringer away, turned to his bottom bunk bed and pulled back the cover. Adams vagabond friend, Larry, lay on the bed. He recoiled from the light, causing the beer bottles surrounding him to rustle. He found a half-empty, finished it, and passed out.

B-by depth, maybe you mean your friends drag you to â?¦ to, to the depths of, uh â?¦ the depths of a unprofessional.

Adam replies, You mean depths of an unprofessional. Good job! You didnt have to plagiarize that one.

After removing his stretching money clip of $1,000 bills from his back pocket, Carl waved it before Adams face. This is what you know youll never have.

Hold on a second, Adam said. He hunched over his cluttered desk and drew something on a piece of paper. He turned around and held a drawing of two people having sex next to the word you in front of Carls face.

After five minutes of staring, Carls face reddened and veins emerged in his forehead. He screamed, I demand a measurement!

Lee responded, Gross.

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