Drama is created by slowly whittling away the good pairs until only the worst

Every Tuesday night at 8 p.m., ABC flexes their muscles and shows the world their 40-inch biceps. Theyve named the left one Dancing, and the right one with the Stars.

Fit snugly between the 7 p.m. hour of a thousand chuckles and the 9 p.m. hour of Captain Kirk in a suit, Dancing with the Stars is the meat in ABCs Tuesday night hoagie.

Judging by the title of the show, one would assume that this program revolves around some form of stars engaging in some form of dancing. Evidently, one would be correct. However, ABC seems to use the word star fairly liberally.

Contestants include Billy Ray Cyrus, a woman with one leg, Steve Sanders and Clyde the Glide Drexler.

Id tell you the names of the other celebrities, but I couldnt tell which dancers were celebrities and which were the real dancers. Clyde Drexler will easily dominate this show, if only because he once dunked on an 11-foot rim.

For a series that has the word dancing in the title, there is a surprisingly little amount of movement. Most of the show consists of interviews, reactions, tips on how to dance, and the occasional lame joke thats about as funny as Don Imus.

Drama is created by slowly whittling away the good pairs until only the worst one is left. After this team is mocked by millions of viewers, they are forced to leave the hallowed halls of Dancing with the Stars.

To add some credibility to the show, stars are allowed to constantly plug their other projects. It seems like an eternity was spent on Billy Ray Cyrus babbling about his new album, upcoming tour and appearances on Hannah Montana.

Just in case we forgot which network the show was on, ABC was kind enough to fill the audience with stars of some of their other programs. I personally found this distasteful until they cut to Alfonso Ribeiro, better known as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If this show is good enough for Carlton Banks, then its good enough for me.

The high point of the evening was when Dennis Hopper appeared during the commercial break to try and sell me some life insurance. Although happy to see one of my idols on television, I politely declined.

As 9 p.m. began to draw near, tensions rose to a high not seen since the Miracle on Ice during the 1980 Olympics. However, instead of the Soviet powerhouse succumbing to the US of A, it was Leeza Gibbons being forced to leave the dance floor.

When all is said and done, Dancing with the Stars will be hailed in the annals of time as one of the benchmark moments in television history, sitting alongside the monologues of Edward R. Murrow, the funeral of John F. Kennedy, and Janet Jacksons breast.

I was so intrigued with the whole famous people out of their element concept that I immediately pitched an idea to ABC. I called it, BASE Jumping with the Murderers.

Imagine seeing Suge Knight, O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake take a dive off of Taipei 101. If that isnt compelling television, then I dont know what is.

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