I think Soundgarden is a great band if you're a fan of contrived crap.

Last night, as luck would have it, I chanced upon an animated discussion concerning Chris Cornell, the lead singer of former agitated guitar rock band Soundgarden and later of Audioslave.

Sitting to my immediate right were two ladies enjoying the intoxicating effects of fountain cola mixed with a healthy serving of Captain Morgans world-renowned rum.

These drinks were served with ice and carefully placed upon napkins advertising ale of Belgian descent, if I remember correctly.

As the Soundgarden song bellowed from the jukebox, their conversation grew in animation over which band, Soundgarden or Audioslave, rocked with the most proficiency.

Although I was deeply involved in a particularly gripping chapter of Celines Voyage au Bout de la Nuite, I couldnt help but draw a small amount of my attention to their conversation. After pausing for a moment to recollect their thoughts and order another round of libations, one of the ladies turned my way and demanded in a rather surly manner, Hey, you with the book and tattoos! Who do you think rocks harder, Audioslave or Soundgarden?

I gently folded the corner of my book and placed it upon the bar in an area not yet devastated by spilled drinks, overflowing ashtrays or trampled dreams.

In a voice which surprised myself, a voice that recently has been leveled by a profound sense of alienation from the rest of the world and a solitude that would rival Grizzly Adams “ wrongly accused of a murder he didnt commit and forced to reside in the wilderness with only a nine foot tall grizzly bear as a companion “ I replied.

From the time I was first exposed to Chris Cornells offensive barking, up to this very day, I feel that there exists no greater a noxious cantering than from the vocal chords of that tired old goat. He almost ruined the last Bond film for me, that selfish jerk. I would rather hear the sounds of two dogs screwing, howling into the night amidst the throes of passion, than be subject to Soundgardens seminal 90s pseudo-hit entitled Black Hole Sun.

I think Soundgarden is a great band, if youre a fan of contrived crap.

Audioslave, as well. If you enjoy music elegantly packaged in soulless homogeneity and dumbed down in order to appeal to the greatest number of consumers in a twisted corporate utilitarian manner, then I suppose I can see where this mundane garbage would appeal to you.

Be that as it may, I feel that there is something catastrophically wrong with bands of such absurdly low caliber.

There is something inherently demeaning about artists of the musical persuasion who have absolutely no interest in challenging me, the listener, through their creative efforts into reevaluating how and why I listen to music.

And that is what is so great about artists such as Archie Shepp, Do Make Say Think, Jesu, The Swans, Alice Coltrane, Fugazi, A Silver Mt. Zion, Sonic Youth and hundreds of others who are completely disinterested in writing disposable and utterly meaningless commodities, instead being more disposed to creating lasting bodies of art worth appreciation decades after the fact.

Ultimately, the songs of artists such as Audioslave are reducible to three minute jingles whose sole purpose is to lead catatonic-like consumers with loose purse strings to the closest checkout lane of a globalized chain retail outlet store with a $14 compact disc in their hands. This not only degrades the quality of art as a whole, but also compromises the integrity of human beings in the process.

To answer your question, neither of these bands rock, at all. They rock about as hard as an incurable bout of tuberculosis. They rock as hard as a C-minus, at best, or the literary output of Anne Rice. They rock about as much as it rocks to eat ramen noodles seven days in a row because all of your money went to paying off your tuition bill for the semester.

Once finished with what I had to say, I returned to my book, which seemed a little less enjoyable than Id remembered it 10 minutes ago.

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