Adults filed complaints stating, The mall is littered with too many white caps. Complaints generally hovered around seniors slowness, disgruntled attitudes, poor driving and parking skills, and the many offensive odors they emit.

Mayfair Mall broadened the scope of its weekend age ban. Along with anyone under the age of 18, the ban now applies to senior citizens as well.

Mayfair started the ban with a policy stating anyone under the age of 18 must be accompanied by an adult 21 or older. The ban worked for a while but shoppers complained that too many hipsters and unscrupulous young adults flooded the mall.

Mayfair upped age limit to 30 and over. Adults filed complaints saying, The mall is littered with too many white caps.

Complaints generally hovered around senior citizens slowness, disgruntled attitudes, poor driving and parking skills, and the many offensive odors they emit.

Milwaukee senior citizen Doris Millford is recovering at Froedtert Hospital after a Mayfair guard denied her access to the mall on Saturday. Doris claims he fractured her radius and ulna bones in her forearm. I visited the wrinkly victim on Sunday.

Doris adjusted her bed so she sat upright. Her head shook slightly as she began her account of what happened.

Is Rusty in the room? she asked.

No, I replied with aggravation, For fifth time, Rusty is not in the room. Can you please answer my question?

What question?

I kicked over her cart of food the nurse just brought and screamed, Oh come on! Wake up! Ive gotta finish this interview; my friends are waiting for me in the car out front.

Doris clasped her hands on her stomach, Oh, you kids. Is, is it a sock hop? Is that where you and your chums are going?

What the [expletive] is a sock hop? I asked. Were planning our traditional weekend Mayfair sabotage.

Letting out a wheezy laugh, Doris dentures slipped free from her gums, Boys will be boys, always tryin to gum up the works.

Were going to the mall. Weve got fake IDs to get in. Normally, Id say Im too old for walking around the mall punching brass knuckles into my palm with the sole intent of intimidating those around me; but, the Handbook of Teen Behavior, which is issued to all teens at the age of 13, clearly states â?¦ I pulled out my frayed paperback 1996 edition from the back pocket of my sweat pants and read aloud.

â?¦ As a teenager, it is your duty to visit the mall only under the following circumstance: To act as an obstacle for adults when they try to exchange capitol for goods and services. The term obstacle can include, but is not limited to, the following: causing general annoyance, causing messes, stealing, fighting and causing death. If teens cannot carry out this action, it is the responsibility of the next age bracket [Young adults aged 20-25] to act as an obstacle.

Doris jerked awake, Ob â?¦ obstacle! I could see her cob-web-covered synapses trying to fire. Thats it! she said, The man who broke my arm. You wanted to know about that, didnt you?

I slumped in the chair, and looked to the ceiling, Finally!

Doris explained what happened in gruesome detail. Unfortunately, she suffers from a degenerative brain disease. At one point, she described the ambulance morphing into a scatting leprechaun trying to crush a shrunken caveman who drank too much bathtub gin and pitched woo at the leprechauns wife.

The coherent pieces of Doris story displayed that she was unaware of the ban. She tried to enter the mall, but had no identification. The guard asked her to leave. After the guard grew one foot in height, he grabbed her by the forearm, threw her to the ground, which broke her arm. The guard stood over her with his hands on his hips letting out bellowing laughter. He bent forward and said with pleasure, We dont like your kind here.

I interviewed the guard, Mike Benslip, for his side of the story. He gave a brief statement. I â?¦ pushed â?¦ she [Doris Millford] â?¦ fell â?¦ forearm â?¦ was[in reference to his change in height] â?¦ broken.

Benslips callous comments undoubtedly strike chords of shock in us all. I urge citizens take active action to end this age-discriminatory policy.

The UWM Post apologizes for this article. Mr. Gaskill fabricated all the content. When we approached him, he said he did it so he and his friends could sneak into the mall and terrorize adults.

Source: http://www.620wtmj.com/content/news/story7269.asp (4-5-07); Generalizations and Stereotypes

> Comments