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Crime goes on stike in Milwaukee
Demands raise for all the hard work
By Post Staff
The Hamburglar held a press conference Sunday announcing that he is replacing Crime in Milwaukee.
Three days prior to Hamburglars announcement, Crime went on strike in Milwaukee stating, Honestly, youre the ones who write about me each week. You reporters know better than anyone: Ive been busting my ass out there stirring up crimes every day, I deserve a [exploitive] raise.
In those three days, Milwaukee Police Departments reported not one crime was committed, not even one parking violation.
Hamburglar is the mastermind behind millions of reported Robblings and was trained by the diabolical Captain Crook, who was credited with a few missing flit-o-fish sandwiches in 1971.
At the press conference Hamburglar donned his usual cape, black-and-white jump suit, and business professional red-burger tie. He slammed his fist on the podium while speaking in his nasally, incoherent, Robbler Speak, Robble. Robble robble robble, robble, robble â?¦
Forty minutes into the speech, Crime emerged from the crowd in his usual ski mask, black pants, black-and-white-stripped shirt, holding bags with money-symbols printed on them, screaming, Youre a hack, and a no good scab, Burglar!
A gasp of shock escaped from the crowd. Crime continued, What have you done? Ripped a few burgers away from children. I traffic enough blow to fund three nations! And take off that stupid [expletive] hat.
Chief of Milwaukee Police Nannette H. Hegerty, approached the stand to quell the dispute, Thats enough, Crime. You can speak to us at the next contract negotiation, but let us have our press conference.
Crime responded, Its a free country!
Reporters let in with a barrage of questions for Hamburglar about his credentials. They only received more robbles.
Two nights prior, Milwaukeeans voiced their complaints about the strike at a public forum on the matter.
One person said, Life is too predictable these days. I left the bar the other night, stumbling, drunk and holding my wallet in front of my face while I paged through all my 100 dollar bills. You know what happened? Nothing!
A few police officers spoke at the forum saying. With Crime on strike, I just sit at the station polishin my gun. I dont shoot it anymore. Sometimes me and a few other officers play cards, but mostly we polish our guns just waiting for Crime to come back.
Crime left the Sunday press conference after saying, People need me. Im there to come slap you in the face every once in a while to serve as a reminder that, Hey, things could be worse.
Hegerty waited until Crime was out of the room, and then replaced Hamburglar the microphone.
She said, OK. I know we all miss Crime. But Hamburglar will be equally efficient at creating chaos. And to prove this point, I give you Ronald McDonald.
The clown approached the podium in a grey polyester suit. He put on glasses, took a sip of water, and said, Ive prepared a brief statement for Milwaukee. The Hamburglar is an ageless foe Ive battled across the landscape of time. You may merely view him as a scab, but I see him as an unstoppable scourge about to be unleashed on this unsuspecting city. I will be assisting MPD in pursing the Burglar, but only if they believe in magic. And if they dont, Ill shoot them in the face.
Hamburglar will punch-in for his first shift of work, Tuesday at noon.
By Tyler Gas-Face-Killah
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