Let this be a lesson to all who our empire has judged unworthy of space-funding.

In another display of her awesome power, University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Student Empress Samalachor Prahlpatine destroyed the 8th Note Coffee House on Thursday.

Let this be a lesson to all who our empire has judged unworthy of space-funding, Prahlpatine said through a spokesman. We will crush you!

The blast came from Empress Prahlpatines headquarters, a massive office on the Unions ground floor commonly referred to by nerds as The yellow Death Star.

Issues between the small, mostly peaceful coffee shop and the Student Empire (SE) have been contentious for some time now. In the Year of Student Emperor Darth Rood-in, smoking was banished from the 8th Note, crippling the commerce and trade of the once-bustling café.

The explosion was relatively contained, and nothing in the Union outside the 8th Notes gravitational pull was damaged. One witness, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he was near enough to experience the blast.

It was as if dozens of caffeinated, hipster voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced, said the witness.

There were few survivors of the 8th Note destruction, a small band of rebels who have vowed to avenge the 8th Note and bring down the Student Empire.

The rebel students were on a dangerous nicotine-smuggling run to a hidden underground smoking pit that passes dangerously close to SE-controlled space.

After completion of their mission, the rebels returned to find the space the 8th Note occupied more empty and vacant than normal.

This is another example of the SE trampling on the rights of students, Rebel Student Alliance head Han Karloe said. It seems like ever since I was denied for membership in The Empire, theyve become this incredibly powerful tool of oppression.

Thats certainly an odd coincidence, Karloe added.

Currently the SE has no plans for the space that formerly housed the 8th Note, but Prahlpatines spokesdroid said SE was considering rebuilding it as either an empire-controlled coffee house or new offices for the Campus Activities Board.

By Obi-Wan Shinobi

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