With that many years backing a woman, certain wrinkles and bodily hemorrhaging takes place. Most women have the general understanding that after the girls hang their heads in shame, they are no longer for public display.

Its been a while, and yes, Ive missed you too.

But like a fine wine, I get better with time. To stay with my theme, some wine that has past its prime becomes even bitterer.

Ive been in the restaurant industry for more than seven years now. After that amount time, I thought Id seen just about everything a server could see. But the patronage continues to surprise me. So I thought Id talk a bit about sex in restaurants.

Slippery when wet

We all get older. Some people age well and others age like stinking, smoldering Stilton. Stilton might be said to be an acquired taste. And cheese connoisseurs can testify that Stilton doesnt necessarily have the widespread appeal it is generally portrayed to have.

Enough with the extended metaphor “ to be poignant, last fall one woman, who was pushing 90, came into the restaurant I currently serve at sporting six-inch heels and a skin-colored dress that left nothing to imagination.

After a certain number of years, certain wrinkles and bodily hemorrhaging takes place. Most women have the general understanding that after the girls hang their heads in shame, they are no longer for public display.

The womans ta-tas, (yes, I said ta-tas,) were so visible, in fact, that any victim who happened to transfix upon them immediately begged for refuge. Of course, once your gaze locked, it was hard to look away. Grandmas knowing smirk “ the way she licked her lips and slowly nodded “ still haunts me.

Then the inevitable happened. Her six-inch heels had a slight tiff with the well-glossed wooden floor.

While working her walk, her overly made-up face met floor. For an instant, the customers in the restaurant were still and silent, gazing at the train wreck before them. Then she slowly gathered herself together, inching her way into a doggy-style-esque position as a first step to standing up. Her dress gave birth to twins.

It is here that reanimation took place in the restaurant. With two angry, sagging breasts waving in the collective gasp of the restaurant, people suddenly were able to pull their gaze from the horrid site.

Most of us, however, didnt escape the wreck unscathed and bear permanent scars.

Schwing low

Voyeurism and exhibitionism are typically regarded as pretty kinky in comparison to the standard conception of missionary sex. Its especially fun in the restaurant setting where the wait staff and management are hard-pressed to say anything about such behavior.

Last month, one such table I served was a couple that was really excited to be out together. I just didnt pick up on this fact until the end of the evening when an obvious occurrence explained what was up, so to speak.

Each time I checked back on the couple or came to pour their wine, their conversation ceased and guilty eyes locked with mine and searched for something. At first, I wasnt sure if it was reaction their eyes sought or simply the act a child does with his parent when he knows hes up to no good.

In any case, my first clue as to why the guy was grinning so much and why the woman was looking around so much should have been that I couldnt see either of their hands. As awkward as this realization was, what happened next will probably keep this couple from coming back to the restaurant for a while.

The couple was all of a sudden really, really ready to leave the restaurant. When I presented the check, the man practically dove for it and the woman squirmed some. After paying, the couple lurched up from the table.

The woman made it away from the table without incident. The mans little man, however, was so stimulated by his surroundings that in turning to walk away from the table, little man took out an innocent wine-filled glass.

Shatter. Fox trot out. Stare in disbelief.

There are countless stories of fondling in a restaurant. Its when you dont get away with it that it becomes entertaining. So to the voyeuristic and exhibitionistic: Keep up the good work.

Just make sure youre obvious enough so the wait staff can have a good laugh here and there.

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