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Keys to a successful movie date
Each element can provide for more physical interaction
By Tyler Gaskill
Give her the chivalry she deserves. When the ticket vendor asks the excruciating question, Separate or together? announce to the line of waiting customers with a puffed chest, Dont worry (insert dates name), I got this.
So, you“ve made the worst possible decision for a first date “ the movies. Instead of a socially engaging atmosphere, where you can get to know one another, you“ve chosen a stuffy, dark, cramped, space with a large group of people.
Theaters maintain strict laws that forbid speaking, enhancing the theater“s already majestic ambiance.
As the crowd crams over-priced concessions down their gullets, your date is serenaded by the sloppy sounds of lips smacking and jaws crunching. No date could resist the sensual treats offered by a movie theater date. Here are few considerations for the date.
What time?
Everyone knows to aim for the 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. time slot. This way, you“ve had a whole date with minimal interaction, everything fun is closed, and you can swoop in the for the “make-out session” “ because that“s all there“s time left for.
Also, when you“re done with school or work at 4 p.m., you“ll still have enough time to get ready “ and for at least 15 songs on “Guitar Hero.” Loosen those fingers.
Theater selection?
This plays into the time element. Pick some place far, thus ensuring an hour of travel time. That means one less hour of personal interactions, leaving time only for physical interactions. Also, be sure the theater has a functioning condom dispenser. Who wants to be the creepy person holding a surplus box in the Walgreen“s check-out line?
Who pays?
Give her the chivalry she deserves. When the ticket vendor asks the excruciating question, “Separate or together?” announce to the line of waiting customers with a puffed chest, “Don“t worry (insert date“s name), I got this.”
Slam a Bible-thick money clip of $100 bills onto the counter, and peal one bill out of the stack and drop it onto the counter.
Which movie?
The only requirements are one full frontal nude scene, a planet exploding, baby stew and one argument between two characters about how to take apart an eight-cylinder engine.
The full frontal nude scene will help her realize she, too, can take her top off. Assure her of your in-depth manly knowledge by saying, “yup,” at least twice during the combustion engine argument.
Snacks?
If she asks about getting snacks at the concession stand, lash out with a five minute speech about how seeing a movie is one big rip-off. Jam your finger into your palm as you dictate each point to her.
If she persists, look her up and down and say with a hint of disbelief, “Are you really hungry?”
Which seat?
There are only two choices here. If the special effects are going to shake your bones, claim two seats at the dead-center of the front row. However, there is nostalgia in attempting the fool-around-behind-the-elderly-couple maneuver.
What to do after the credits?
Unless, you“re in mid-coital action in the back row, you should start a slow clap. Don“t stop until the entire audience follows your lead. Nothing makes a woman hotter than a bona fide leader.
Don“t fumble the ball on the one-yard line. Suggest driving her back to your bedroom by saying, “Well â?¦ wanna get down to business, and go back to my place?”
A flawless delivery generates the flawless results “ sex; and you didn“t even need to get to know her. Movie magic.
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