I’m ready to pack my bag and get the fudge out of Dodge — err, wait — Milwaukee. This city needs a condemned sticker placed across it.

If Milwaukee needed a new slogan for itself, it could be “Milwaukee: the New Detroit.” I think the city’s reign as worst city in America is finally being realized by the rest of the nation. We’re gaining top spots on lists that no city really wants to be known as No. 1 for.

Yes, I’m sure we’re all very proud to be the drunkest city in America, but do we really need to have the lowest honors of any city? We hold top spots or near top spots in crime rate, poverty, segregation, teen pregnancy and number of homicides in a year for all major U.S. cities.

Politicians citywide have been preaching that we need to fix the problems and make the city great again. I have many questions for these politicians

When was this city ever great? When were we ever known for something besides our high alcohol tolerance level? What the hell are you guys talking about?

This city’s problems have existed for many, many years and they will exist no matter what people try to do to prevent them.

First, I will blame most of the city’s problems on the city design itself. With our amazing design of freeways mixed with natural dividers — rivers and such — we keep neighborhoods separated thus allowing minimal integration. This keeps the poverty level high. Then crime rate goes up in correlation, which increases the homicide rate.

And to redesign the city would be impossible. Think of how long it’s taking to redo the Marquette Interchange. Think of how long it would take to restructure the city.

Our teen pregnancy problems have been linked not to just teen sex, but also to the high poverty rate, segregation and pretty much every other city problem we know we can’t fix. Having a government that doesn’t fully support birth control methods doesn’t make it any easier. It will be a cold day in hell when public schools start offering up condoms to kids.

Milwaukee has no earthquake, hurricane or natural disaster that could wipe it off the face of the earth, creating an opportunity to rebuild. All Milwaukeeans can do is skip town and wait for the city to slowly sink into the earth.

Any one with any smarts has already packed up and left. What’s the point of fixing a city like this when the problems were created well before our time? The best thing about leaving this city is you don’t have to go far.

I know some of us weren’t made for the suburbs; that’s why cities like Madison, Chicago and Minneapolis are so close. These are big cities with so much more to offer than Milwaukee ever could.

I know you’re going to tell me that these cities all have their own problems, but then you don’t see them on CNN every week topping some new list that makes them look like a bunch of morons.

In the words of Chunk, “I’ve taken all I can stand — and I can’t stand no more.” Now it is time for all of us to pack up and move to greener skies and better places.

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