Getting your mom a card or flowers is sexy as long as you arenâ??t a mamaâ??s boy.

After all of these years and all of my columns, I was doubtful that I had anything left to say about Valentine“s Day, and then something amazing happened.

I was thinking about ordering flowers for a friend“s birthday which is the day before Valentine“s Day, and I realized I better not order roses. With Valentine“s Day being such a big deal in our materialistic country, we really need to plan ahead. There are many dos and don“ts for VD (that“s how I refer to this wonderful holiday). While the dos are important, the don“ts are vital.

A few don“ts to get you through:

1. Don“t forget Valentine“s Day! Number one most important rule, don“t forget. VD is on Wednesday, Feb. 14 this year. It“s on Feb. 14 every year; it should be on every calendar made in the U.S.

2. Don“t believe her! When she tells you she doesn“t care about Valentine“s Day, she“s lying to see if you will ignore it. Take this chance to pick up one white rose and make her dinner. Tell her that even though she doesn“t want to celebrate VD, you want to celebrate how lucky you are to be with her. It works, trust me.

3. Don“t forget! Your mother may not be your Valentine now, but she was your first love, so make sure you at least call her. Flowers are nice; red roses scream unhealthy oedipal relationship, though. Be careful. Plus, getting your mom a card or flowers is sexy as long as you aren“t a mama“s boy.

4. Don“t wait! Last minute gifts and flowers are not only obvious, they are occasionally impossible. If you try to buy red roses at five in the evening on VD, you will go home empty handed. Order now if you haven“t already.

5. Don“t assume! You know what they say about “assume.” Guys like to be remembered too. I get it from a good source that guys don“t think getting flowers is weird. I would choose something manly, though. Maybe make your man a naked dinner. For some reason, men find their partner cooking naked extremely sexy. Then again, men find anything naked really sexy.

6. Don“t propose! While this is not a bad thing to do, don“t be cliché about it. Everyone does the VD ring in champagne or dessert restaurant proposal. Seriously, a waitress I know was telling me she once worked at a restaurant where three different couples got engaged at a single table throughout the course of the evening. Can you say “overdone?” Plus, we know you are just trying to cut down the anniversaries you have to remember.

7. Don“t ignore! If you don“t have anything planned or any money to spend, invite your girl over for movies and popcorn. Tell her you just wanted to spend time alone with her. If you don“t call and don“t do anything, you will be single before morning.

8. Don“t overdo it! While some women may find moonlit carriage rides and serenades romantic, I find them cheesy. Don“t go all out if your woman does not like that kind of thing. Don“t assume just because she“s a woman she will like these things. I am a woman and they make me want to vomit.

9. Don“t expect! If you expect to get laid, we will smell it on you. We always do. Don“t buy a girlfriend of two weeks lingerie, and don“t think you are getting head for buying flowers. Basically, don“t be a dick.

10. Don“t panic! Most importantly, do not over-stress yourself. This is a holiday to show your significant other how much s/he is appreciated. Make that the important part. Enjoy yourself.

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