Congratulations! The proper use of Axe body spray, conformity-driven fashion statements, and Listerine-fresh breath has earned you a Valentine“s Day date. What“s that? You say you“ve bought a card, but don“t know what to write on the inside? Well, chum, you“ve come to the right man. My musky machismo aura has tamed many-an-apprehensive heart. Free of charge, I present a template for Valentine“s Day card declarations of love (remember to write in pencil):

Greeting: (Insert lover“s pet name).

The greeting will establish the level of seriousness you“re giving Valentine“s Day. Most breathing Americans understand no relationship is to survive unless you“ve successfully jumped through the Valentine“s Day hoop.

Anecdote 1: When we first met (Insert description of your first meeting from the perspective of your genitalia).

The genitalia POV is key here. Since most of your feelings were being derived from there during encounter 1, this will best describe the true setting of the meeting “ unless you“re some kind of prude.

Bridge: I knew after that moment I“d never let you leave my sight, ever. I want my arms to forever be entangled in yours. And within that entanglement, we will find (Begin theatric description of the fulfillment your relationship will bring one another. Include multiple paragraph-long analogies comparing it to a holy fulfillment.)

Here, you acknowledge you are jumping through the Valentine“s Day hoop for them “ assuring them they won“t feel awkward when a peer asks, “What did you do for Valentine“s day?”

This sets up a more assured sense of the relationship when moving into anecdote 2.

Anecdote 2: Since I“ve brought you into my life, I know “ no matter how badly I screw my life up “ I“ll always have you to lean on. I“ll forever be there for you, the same way you“ll eternally be there to give me a smile as bright as the sun.

Anecdote 2 is used as a threatening probe. It reminds him or her that their commitment must be equal, or be larger than, yours.

Conclusion: I couldn“t sleep the other night (See footnote 2) because I started thinking. I thought if we die, we won“t love each other anymore “ “cause we“re dead. But then I remembered, we“re going to have our graves next to one another.

The conclusion delivers a romantic punch of finality. She or he will be defenseless to its binding statements.

Remember, this is merely a template. I urge you to tailor this template to your target (aka Valentine).

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