If I got out and learned how to play football, practiced for years and wrote about it every week, maybe I would be more critical of football players’ moves.

There are some things in the world of sex that are deemed socially acceptable (for the most part) that I really don’t understand. Unfortunately, porn is one of them.

I think of video porn the same way I think of sports: Why would you want to watch a bunch of other people get paid too much to have fun doing something you wish you were doing?

I pretend to enjoy porn and once in a while learn something from watching it, but for the most part, I find it really dull. I would much rather get up and play the game myself. Wait, am I still talking about football? No, porn.

OK, I really tried to enjoy porn and would even consider making one (for private viewing, and only with someone I could really trust, or had something to hold over); I simply couldn’t get into watching how fake it all is. Also, I don’t know if you know this, but women are really critical.

Maybe it’s the same way with football. If I got out and learned how to play football, practiced for years and wrote about it every week, maybe I would be more critical of football players’ moves.

For the time being, I am stuck criticizing the women in porn. I hear men yell out about how the quarterback shouldn’t have done this, or the running back wasn’t paying attention, or (my favorite) that anyone could play better than that. That’s how I feel about watching porn.

Keep in mind, there are a lot of things done in porn that I would never attempt to do, no matter what the case (i.e. anything with animals, magnum wine bottles or golf balls). I really don’t want to sound judgmental here; I just wouldn’t chance it.

Most of the basic sex stuff just seems overacted and more for the camera than for pleasure. I don’t find a girl trying to make sure the blowjob she’s giving keeps her and the penis in view of the camera very sexually stimulating.

For some reason, I don’t mind reading football highlights or Penthouse letters. A matter of fact, I find both downright interesting (erotic letters a little more so). Is this simply because I’m missing DNA that makes it interesting to watch other people get paid to have fun, or do I have a good point here?

Football and porn have a lot in common as far as I’m concerned: the more sweating involved, the more interesting it is; straight women spend most of the time wanting to grab ass; there will be cheering, possibly some tears at the conclusion; turf-burn and rug-burn; and last but not least, alcohol will better the chances of getting me involved.

Football and porn; porn and football. Boring. Stop watching other people have fun, get off your behind and go out there and participate. Trust me, it’s way more fun, and you’ll get better the more you play.

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