Say things like, “Your hands would be good for bowling” or “You know, with your bone structure and my metabolism, we would make beautiful children.”

As a noted philanthropist and debonair sexual connoisseur, I have decided to print my findings in the field of lady-loving.

Yes, after years of knocking boots and breaking hearts, I am revealing the tricks of the trade. In fact, there is nothing secretive about it that can't be explained by science and literature.

But I must remind you, dear reader, how important it is to take these simple instructions step by step. One must learn to walk before he runs, and must prepare himself to do so. My suggestion is to go to the store and buy the following: condoms; rubber bands; one large funnel and some cherry wine.

You will not have to buy these immediately or all at once. It will take you at least two weeks to grow a proper moustache.

Facial Hair

Facial hair is crucial in procurring sexual partners for many reasons. Not only does it coordinate with your shearling coat or hat, but it also alludes to the matching fur that you choose to keep hidden.

Of course, this does not imply that you should keep your chest hair a secret. Rather, I would highly reccomend that it is best to adorn it with a golden chain with someone else's initials on it. When I see my necklace glimmering in women's eyes, I tell them, “My name’s Jordan Barkley, but these letters stand for ‘Jolly Biter.’ ”

Not only am I drawing their gaze to my body and charming their tops off, I'm allowing my ego to bulldoze over them.

First Move

It is imperative that you impress the girl on your first move. Before you find yourself on the spot, handing out a fake name and pretending to be a relative of one or more athletes, make sure to hike up your pants so you may exaggerate your crotch.

I often go so far as to draw attention to myself by use of one of my many laser pointers, which I also use for my very important lectures on campus. If you don't have a laser pointer, try to find a felt-tip marker to draw on a fake shadow. Make sure that it is washable because a pair of leather pants never goes on the same way twice.

Compliments

Make sure to point out the physical traits of the woman you approach, starting from the feet up. Don't worry if she holds no characteristics that you find attractive. Just be creative with your lines and you will be pantless in no time.

At this time you should stick only to compliments. Say things like, "Your hands would be good for bowling" or "You know, with your bone structure and my metabolism, we would make beautiful children."

Always be sure to mention your potential children since you are still being nice to her.

Cheap Gift

Buy her something you can easily afford, whether she wants it or not. If you are in a bar, buy her a shot. If you are working your magic in a house party, buy her a cup. If you are at a professional wrestling event, buy her a foam souvenir.

Regardless, quickly pull out the large wad of cash that you have wrapped all of your rubberbands around and hand the largest bill to the seller, making sure to use your hand that has the most (or grandest) rings.

The Untouchables

When you arrive with her at your apartment, inform her of which of your possessions are not to be touched. Make sure to point. Females are inquisitive by nature and they won't hesitate to paw at your prized meat slicer or George W. Bush action figure.

Now is a good time to occupy her with some cherry wine. Turn on some Nelly or Jason Mraz to keep her from thinking too hard as she drinks. If she starts to get chatty or sentimental, simply turn up the volume!

Tell her you have to "freshen up" when she is close to finishing the bottle. Go into the bathroom and lock the door behind you. Inside, cover your entire body with an oil of your preference.

According to a “Body Buffing” March 1998 article "Shiny from Shoulders to Shins," this will increase your attractiveness by about 87 percent. You will have to move quickly — you don't want the girl on your futon to fall asleep — so just forget about the tooth-brushing and hand-washing.

The Thong

When she sees your new glistening sheen she may laugh at you. Don't be discouraged! You can easily transform that laughter into moans of pleasure with a few quick flexes and the revelation of your thong.

To further demonstrate the capabilities of your muscled body fold out the futon with her still on it.

From here you should be able to take care of the sex. As long as you continue to impress her you will be in control. Be safe — use the condoms and the funnel.

It is also imperative that you tell her now that she must leave before the sun rises — make up something about you having a job or being a vampire.

For further suggestions, be sure to buy my book "Messy Sex in the 21st Century."
Most importantly: Do not fall in love.

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