At a Southwestern grill restaurant I used to work at, there was one day of the week that every server dreaded. When you combine the dreaded phrases “all-you-can-eat” and “kids eat free” and then advertise on large billboards just outside trailer parks, well, you get the drift.

One restaurant actually braves such advertisements and, appropriately enough, the servers refer to this very special day as “White-Trash Wednesday.”

The wind still flees my lungs when I recall the crowd this momentous day drew. Wednesday evenings begin with trickles of yellow-stained, wife-beater sporting, dirty-jeans-wearin’ families.

Many of the children who were dragged to the restaurant had less-than-timely hairstyles. (Although, perhaps timely isn’t appropriate, because I’m not sure mullets were ever “in.”) I recommend that child services recognize mullets on children as a form of child abuse.

Parents bring five or six children in with them to try and take advantage of the kids eat free policy. I’ve seen as many as 11 children with two adults. Despite their ignorance, the policy is actually one free kid’s meal for every adult meal purchased (yeah, they have that system so 11 children aren’t brought in and eat free with a possible bill of $22 for the two adults with them).

Believe it or not, people are actually outraged when they discover not all their kids eat free. The angry adults accuse the restaurant of false advertisement despite the disclaimer informing diners of the one-to-one dining policy. But then again, that’s assuming these people have enough education to read it.

For children under 12, a meal only costs $2.99 and includes a drink (with unlimited refills), apple sauce and fries. So why the outrage about $3? Apparently welfare checks and food stamps don’t convert into “happy meals” for kids when the parent has to pay $3 for it.

For the big kids who come to enjoy unlimited food, the all-you-can-eat refers to chicken or ribs. You’ll notice I used a disjunction there, “or.” Many tables are so taken aback to discover there isn’t chicken on the plate with the ribs they ordered that they look ready to cry.

“Waiter!” is shouted in exasperation with one finger in the air and a disgruntled look of fear on the customer’s face.

“Yes, sir?”

“You forgot my chicken.”

No, I didn’t. Clearly you didn’t notice the use of a disjunction, which excludes either the chicken or ribs upon ordering the other. Had you been privy to both ribs and chicken, I’d have used a conjunction in explaining tonight’s specials. “Sir, it’s all-you-can-eat chicken *or* ribs, not both.”

“What? The sign says all-you-can-eat ribs and chicken.”

This is the part where reasoning doesn’t seem to work (not there is any reasoning to be done with ribs *or* chicken) and because of the genius who coined the phrase, “The customer is always right …” I have to work it out.

In order to obtain anything from the kitchen a server does not obtain, it must be entered into the computer. For rib or chicken reorders, this creates a problem for the given scenario. In ringing in “all-you-can-eat-ribs,” the only reorder button available to me is “rib reorder.” I must now explain to the kitchen staff, a temperamental bunch — especially during a rush (and understandably so) — that I need chicken when the customer ordered ribs.

This may sound easy, and it should be, but it’s not. The best I can do is to get one or the other. The kitchen, with the management’s support, absolutely will not allow servers to bring both chicken and ribs to the table at once. Separately, it’s OK, but together it’s not. This is where having a healthy relationship with the kitchen will assist a server greatly.

To further our scenario, let’s talk about the “all-you-can-eat concept.” I swear, people starve themselves six out of seven days of the week just to attend an all-you-can-eat anything. From the point in which the reorders are dropped and 60 seconds have passed, the diner is in need of more ribs.

This isn’t always convenient for the diner, as the server does in fact have other tables in which he or she is attending to. However, this doesn’t stop diners from thinking that they are the server’s only table and “knowing” that they are the most important.

To remedy this, I’d enter massive amounts of rib re-orders to deliver to the table at once. As I deliver a plate that holds a mountainous stack of rib reorders, most people are elated, grinning ear to ear, sickeningly pleased. It’s as if they’ve accomplished a major feat in receiving such a gift. At least this seems to keep most people happy. The few who aren’t happy are angry that the reorders are smaller (about a quarter of the size of the original order) and of lesser quality.

Let me expound upon an “all-you-can-eat concept.” The fact that it is indeed as much as you can stuff your face with doesn’t mean it’s going to be at the restaurant’s cost. Think about it. It’s a marketing concept to dupe you into spending money at the restaurant. If you think for a minute that the restaurant is going to lose money on the deal, you’re wrong.

The rib and chicken reorders have been soaking in a vat since 9 a.m. Yes, a vat. Cooks reach in the vat with their tongs, toss it on the grill for 30 seconds, baste some BBQ sauce on the ribs or chicken and throw it on a plate. The quality of reorders are obviously less, the restaurant would lose money if the quality wasn’t.

I’m not saying it’s the correct thing to do; it’s just the reality of the situation. Situations like this require extra finesse and eventually can be remedied.

Finally, you are in no way entitled to order reorders and then ask for a take home box. This ranks high among my pet peeves — it is the epitome of rudeness. It’s all-you-can-eat here, not all-you-can-eat and take home.

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