We need the gaze of the other to control our image knobs. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and are we convincing enough to fall into some category?

One day a friend told me she had a confession to make. When people say that, you can expect them to either come out of the closet or announce a pregnancy.

But what she had to say was “Sometimes I read things just so I can make certain references when talking to people that will make me sound smart.”

It took a lot of her to admit that, but the truth is everyone is guilty of being her or his own public relations firm. From the T-shirt we put on in the morning to the bumper sticker we slap on our car, we are all constantly making and re-making self-image.

The way we arrange our bookcases (the fact that we choose to have a bookcase), the order we put our CDs inside our CD cases, the music we listen to when someone is around, the movies we watch, the TV shows we watch, the search engines we use, the water we drink (Smart water?), the coffee drink we know to order, the tattoos, the makeup, the labels, the drugs. All is potential personal PR tool.

If you go to someone’s room and you see “Star” magazine laying around or if they have a Dostoyevsky novel on their bedside table, you can think of them in completely different ways. Human branding.

If you get in someone’s car and they are listening to Kiss FM, to Chopin, to Nina Simone or to Petey Pablo, these all have different effects in the perception you will create for them.

As one little individual in the midst of millions of them, we come up with ways to stick out in the crowd and to cope with our own idea of who we are. Our inherent need to belong makes us wear the things we wear, listen to the music we listen to, talk about the issues we talk about and frequent the places we hang out at.

All of these very socially conscious decisions are a product of the human necessity to create identity. Or, perhaps, identities, which shift according to context and suitability. Survival.

We may feel inclined to sound more alternative when hanging out with emo kids, or we may act more mainstream when spending time with preppy people. We change our morality to better suit our chances for being liked. All in the name of fear of confrontation.

It is easier to agree with the other and to desire to acquire their set of codes and principles, than to simply create our own and fight for them.

This image-making process involves some obvious routes and some subtle ones that may go unnoticed. Whatever the case, it is all a statement — conscious or not. Someone donning a Louis Vuitton tote around town is obviously not being discreet about personal PR attempts. They want to be associated with wealth and cosmopolitan fashion, even if, in reality, only someone who isn’t very secure about their wealth would feel the need to flaunt it.

Less obvious PR attempts tend to be more convincing, less potentially pathetic: someone with The Wall Street Journal underneath their arms, as opposed to The Onion, probably stands for (or is, at least, trying to) more intellectually oriented ideas than easily accessible humor.

MAC versus L’Oreal, Armani versus GAP, Starbucks versus the corner café, hair glue versus au naturel, bubbler versus water fountain, Shorewood versus Riverwest, driving versus biking, Konohana versus Applebee’s.

Every little decision helps us fabricate our self to the other and our self to the self.

While this superego effect is unavoidable, it can become more conscious and more neurotic, depending on the person. The least self-assured someone is, the more these little decisions are likely to be calculated and planned out according to the expectations of the other.

“If I wear this, people will think I’m like this — If I wear that, they will think I’m like that.”

But can we talk about PR-free spontaneity when we think of negotiating the self within a social context? Probably not. Even if the building of our images take different tolls on different people, the need for defense mechanisms to help us cope with social existence is always there.

We need the gaze of the other to control our image knobs. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and are we convincing enough to fall into some category? A good example of personal PR need taken to the extreme is the obscure concept of sororities and fraternities in American universities.

Similar clothing, the construed need for alcohol, overt femininity/masculinity and superficial interaction all help these brothers and sisters convince themselves of their social normality.

In a sense, normality is what we are all searching for in our personal PR campaigns. Even the underground post-punk punks, in negating the “normal,” create another sense of “normal” for themselves and the people they associate with. Which, therefore, reiterates the traditional sense of “normal” in the first place.

And just like if we were businesses, specializing in different demographics and niches, we tend to surround ourselves with communities that shares the same PR rules that we do. And we thrive for consistency.

Hippie or arty, ghetto or raver, scruffy or trendy, we just can’t stand to be alone. Alone. Man needs the eyes of the other, outside recognition to feel alive.

What would “cold” actually be if there was no one there to feel it? What would “dark” seem like if there was no “light” to give it its counter-part existence? By negating that which we do not want to be associated with (pink is for gays, short hair is for dykes) we create a sense of self. We need the non-self to validate ourselves.

Which may also be where hatred has its roots.

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