Now if there was a chance for a murderer or rapist to pull up next to me, and push me into their car, that would be the place to do it. The van service which is designed to keep students “safe” has just put me in danger.

Getting around campus can be difficult at times, especially if you don’t have a car. If you do have a car, your friends beg you to drive them places despite the insane gas prices.

The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee provides a van service called Be On the Safe Side, more commonly known as BOSS. One phone call and a van will pick you up wherever you are (given you are in a few mile radius around campus) and take you where you need to go (given that’s also in that few mile radius) for free.

Sounds like a good system.

Too bad it’s not.

I have come to realize that BOSS should really be renamed to something on the lines of If You Can Get Through On Our Phone Lines We Might Come Pick You Up and Even Then We Might Leave You — IYCGTOOPLWMCPYUETWMLY for short.

When I first came to UWM two years ago, BOSS seemed like an awesome system. I would use it on the occasional Friday or Saturday night when I needed a nice safe, sober ride to that party on that street I’ve never heard of. The catch is that you better know what time you want to leave and call at least 30 minutes to an hour before that.

I figured this out after many BOSS phone operators told me it would be a 20-minute wait, only it ended up being closer to an hour. If I would have known it was going to take that long, I would have just walked to the party. Three times there and back, for that matter, in the amount of time I waited for BOSS.

Waiting for BOSS is one matter, but not even being able to get through is another. Ah, being on hold with cheesy elevator music. No really, that’s what they have, and you’ll get it if you’re ever put on hold.

All right, so everyone wants to use BOSS. That’s understandable. I’ll wait on hold, and maybe get a ride in a half an hour. Two weeks in a row when I have tried to call, I received a message that said, “The mailbox for BOSS is full. Please try your call again later,” and proceeded to hang up.

If I were in walking distance of my destination, I would just walk. It just so happens that I got this message two Sundays in a row when I was taking my car back to the Capitol/Humboldt UPark lot. Now I’m stranded at the parking lot with no BOSS van to get me because I can’t even get through the phone lines.

Only one choice remains.

Walk the half a mile down the windy road through the woods to Capitol Drive to catch the 62 bus.

Now if there was a chance for a murderer or rapist to pull up next to me and push me into their car, that would be the place to do it. The van service that is designed to keep students “safe” has just put me in danger.

Last year there was a Capitol/Humboldt shuttle that would run from 5 p.m. until things slowed down, usually about 11 p.m. The van would go mainly from the lot to the dorms and back. The shuttle was convenient because I knew it would always be there, and I wouldn’t have to call and wait who knows how long until a van came to get me.

This year, because of budget cuts, there isn’t a Capitol/Humboldt shuttle. Drivers are forced to call IYCGTOOPLWMCPYUETWMLY and wait for a van to come. I hope you brought your walking shoes and your bus pass since you won’t get through on the phone lines.

If you’re lucky enough to get through and a van does come, I hope you don’t have a lot of people waiting to pile into the same van. Competition is brutal. It’s even more convenient when the BOSS van has two drivers and either the group of you and your friend is going to get split up — because there is only one open seat left — or you get the opportunity to wait 20 more minutes for a van to come.

Sometimes BOSS runs a little smoother. You can call, they say they’re sending a van and you wait for it to come. A 10-minute wait isn’t bad at all, right?

“I called BOSS and immediately went outside and waited,” says junior Jenna Howen. “Fifteen minutes later I called back and asked where my van was. I was told that I was a ‘no call, no show’ so the van left. I was waiting outside the whole time! No van ever came!”

An experience I’ve had with BOSS was very similar. I called, they told me the time wait, I waited for the van to appear in my window. After what was much longer than my supposed-to-be five-minute wait, I proceeded to walk outside to figure out where my beloved BOSS van was.

About five houses down from the address I told them, I saw my BOSS van. As I was walking toward it, it drove away. Take note, that was the last BOSS van of the night, and because they got the wrong address, I was forced to walk from the 2700 block of Cramer Street back to the dorms, alone, at 2 a.m. Thanks BOSS!

I understand that IYCGTOOPLWMCPYUETWMLY has a budget and it only has so many vans. The time wait will be longer than I would like it to be and I’ll have to live with it.

Just please, if you have a phone line, let’s have it in working order so I can make the phone call to reserve a BOSS van that will come at least 30 minutes later than you tell me, so I can fight other students, all to get somewhere safely.

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