For students who are 21 or older, learning to have a drink or two on the cheap is an art form unto itself. It would appear that an unending ocean of low-end beers flows from the coolers of the local liquor stores.

Discerning the good beer from the borderline undrinkable has inherently posed a dilemma of the ages for college students. Learning which brands of beer taste as if they were poured from the boot of a pirate can be a costly and time-consuming endeavor, often wreaking absolute havoc on the college student’s pocketbook.

For those who have refined their beer tastes through the trial and error of countless nights of taste testing one brand after the next, the trustworthy name that comes to the minds of many is none other than Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Certainly there are those who swear by Schlitz, Hamm’s or Red Dog, but these are merely cheap imitations of a beer whose very essence reverberates with all the elements of sophistication and style that one is looking for in an elegant beer.

Averaging at $8 a case, Milwaukee’s Best Ice is a clear-cut favorite among groups of students pooling their resources together for a few cold ones. Established in 1895, Milwaukee’s Best Ice packs an unmercifully bold taste along with a 5.9 percent alcohol content.

With a robust and rich flavor slightly reminiscent of delicious mountain spring water and the absolute choicest hops available to mankind, “The Beast” is a surefire way to electrify an evening. Sparks of excitement and doe-eyed wonder seem to violently discharge from each can upon opening.

This is a beer capable of turning an average night with friends into an evening truly of the ages, filled with lush poetry recitals in Latin, intense philosophical discussions concerning humankind’s eternal struggle with free will versus determinism and exhilarating games of chess that would rival the great championship matches of Bobby Fischer himself.

Timeless wonders of mankind have been created while digesting modest amounts of Beast. Pi was solved by the greatest of mathematicians in between keg stands in the mid-’90s. Mankind discovered the moon at a “Beast House Party” off of Brady Street a few years back. There is little that cannot be done after a few cans of such exquisite nectar.

Its luscious flavor softly grabs the lapels of one’s taste buds and whispers sweet nothings into the ear of its drinker all night long. This is a beer that can keep going into the wee hours of the morning. It is a bull. It is the slow rocker, romantic ballad that croons its dreamy song while placing a dozen freshly cut roses on your doily laced pillow. It also carries strawberries and body oils with it in the event that its drinker wishes to take a relaxing bubble bath after drinking a few Beasts.

Waking up in the morning next to The Beast is a timeless experience. Barbara Streisand has written numerous songs that celebrate the beautiful next day partnerships that have occurred with one of the most fanciful and giving of beers. After an evening spent with Milwaukee’s Best Ice, one wakes up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle another day. The sun shines a bit brighter. The crows and sparrows chirp in three-part harmony. The world seems a bit more carefree.

This is a beer whose opulent flavor is best experienced at a near-freezing temperature. To drink The Beast in any other manner is to detract from the richness of its content. This is a sipping beer, best served in a chalice or a Viking helmet. It is recommended to drink The Beast with a brick of top-shelf cheese to aid the palette in experiencing the core spirit of its flavor. Ramen Noodles also work well in a pinch.

The next time you find yourself searching for a beer to spend an evening with, oh dear reader, I beg you to look no further than Milwaukee’s Best Ice. You will be glad that you did. Always remember to drink like the responsible adult that you are. Never abuse The Beast. Never.

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