Prerequisites for university hipness
What you should already know before college even starts
By Tyler Gaskill
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After being submerged in a sea of collegiate tastes and opinions, one may find a second lifestyle. Students travel from various sections of the state and meld together in the melting pot we call a university; yet, a few universal threads bind students to the tradition of college education.
These patterns go beyond mutually running the gauntlet of 8 a.m. classes, Sunday morning hangovers, sleepless cram sessions and fruitlessly highlighting passages from an overpriced used textbook.
Freshmen may find themselves discombobulated at first, trying to fight off different opinions bombarding their preordained truths. Screaming matches may erupt when their beloved Will Farrell is being scrutinized and not cherished as comedy’s golden boy for the first time.
To avoid such messy ordeals, incoming freshmen should consider filling out College Life Prerequisites. These will help them pick up the second language of often-quoted movies, referenced Internet sites and basically anything university life pushes into your head, whether you like it or not. The transition from hometown to campus living will be a smooth ride with proper preparation.
Recommended Viewing
Kevin Smith Movies
This portly bearded writer and director was the pied piper of Generation X comedy for a time. While his movies have slumped in recent times, the classics like “Clerks,” “Mallrats,” “Chasing Amy,” “Dogma” and “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” live on. Hearing someone quote or mention a Kevin Smith movie in college is as guaranteed as having to fill out a Blue Book.
Other notable movies are “The Big Lebowski” and “Donnie Darko.” A time-jumping Rabbit named Frank is a standout character that can be seen emulated by students around Halloween time. “The Dude abides,” isn’t a catch phrase, it’s the gospel according to Jeffrey Lebowski — and over-quoted.
Recommended listening
New-age “punk” — another way of saying commercialized and watered down — is tainting the air around Sandburg Hall. This means it’s time to visit Music 101.
The first lesson about music taste is to always remember your bands are the best and the ones you don’t like suck. As a music elitist, your job is to enforce these opinions as facts and start petty arguments — because that’s what music is all about. The mundane prerequisites for freshmen ears are the big six: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix and The Who.
As influential as they might be, they’re more like listening to a history lesson. To get familiar with what will be blasting out of your new dormmate’s jambox, consider listening to a diverse variety: Eminem, Phish, Metallica, Dave Matthews Band (simply so you can say how uncool he is now), and if you and your roomy can’t agree on any music, pop in Tom Petty. He brings the love back.
Recommended Literature
Look people, you’re in college now. The funny pages won’t cut it anymore. So read a book. It doesn’t matter which one(s), as long as you’ve read at least one that’s longer than a hundred pages, doesn’t have pictures or print so large you can only fit a sentence per page.
Beyond books, music and movies comes our generation’s strangest addition to college culture — the Internet. If you’re not familiar with AOL Instant Messenger, get on it because your friends won’t talk to you otherwise.
Facebook or MySpace? This question should be given deep thought since one of these two sites will suck hours of time that should be spent studying. Although online gaming can lead to full on obsessions, everyone should try it at least once. Dorks are the new cool.
Don’t know what it means when someone screams, “Peanut butter jelly time”? Then it’s time to hit ebaumsworld.com or youtube.com and introduce yourself to mindless Internet humor. These sites contain mostly videos of people injuring themselves in moronic fashion, thus proving that people enjoy others’ misery. Even if you don’t look for these videos, they’ll find you in someone’s forwarded e-mail.
The two final prerequisites could save your life. One, learn to dance. Nothing is worse than being so worried about what others think of you that you become a wall flower at a party. Two, have an open mind and a sense of humor. People often mistake personal tastes for gospel.


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