Can anyone you know do that with a ping-pong ball? Anyone would get a Charlie horse doing that. Who makes that noise?

Porn is big in today’s society, which is obvious if you look at how many people are fighting against it. The men and women in these videos must be really hard workers, because I don’t know anyone who has sex like they do.

Every once and awhile, we have sex that is story-worthy, possibly even comparable to a porn movie. But when you think about it from an outsider’s view, it’s probably not that pretty to watch.

Think about the faces we make when we’re getting it on. I have seen some orgasm expressions in my day and usually they just look like they’re in pain.

In porn, the orgasm face is always the same: first biting the bottom lip quickly followed by the “O” face. You know the look: eyes closed, head tilted upward, mouth open.

Most of the time in real life, the face resembles more of a grimace reminiscent of seeing someone go through something really painful or stupid. The last time you watched “Jackass” you probably made your orgasm face 10 to 20 times. That’s right, it’s not photogenic.

Genitals are natural, and therefore beautiful, but if you take the porn industry’s view, your own “private parts” would probably be hideous. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, in nature, symmetry doesn’t occur.

When you look at real testicles, they are veiny and different lengths. The same goes for a woman’s labia. Genitals are like fingerprints — no two people’s are the same. Penis and vaginal canal size also differ from person to person.

Some men (very few, and most of them are in porn) are very well endowed, but most cannot compare with what one sees in porn. Some women can fit an entire champagne bottle inside of them; most women can’t believe it’s possible. There are different lengths, widths and degrees of muscle control in each person.

The porn industry has also taught us that hair and makeup are bound to stay perfect in the throes of passion. This isn’t the case. Unless you have a hair and makeup artist next to your bed for touchups, you’re going to look pretty rough by the time all is said and done. This is natural. Who wants to have the kind of sex that doesn’t mess you up? Sounds boring to me.

Eye makeup should be running and your hair should be in knots when you crawl out of that bed. The one exception to this rule is the quickie.

On lunch breaks, in bathrooms at weddings or in between classes, one can not afford to get too messed up. The need for speed and returning to the real world makes for more fragile sex. In this case, the excitement comes from the spontaneity, not the sex itself.

Unfortunately, porn doesn’t depict this. I had a good-looking guy deliver my pizza the other day, but did I invite him in so I could “tip” him in my own way? Of course not.

The idea is hot, but in reality, the guy could have been an ax murderer, or a robber or 16 years old.

Also, when is the last time you have seen a sexy plumber, door-to-door salesperson, house cleaner or census taker? In porn, everyone is sexy. In real life, this is not the case. Even if your pizza delivery guy is hot, why would you take the chance of inviting a complete stranger to “please come in … me?”

Basically, porn is not real life, and I’m sick of people trying to pretend sex is always pretty. Funny things happen, embarrassing things happen — sometimes that just doesn’t fit there.

In the end, many of the men I have slept with like my makeup smeared and my hair messed up, knowing that they played a part in creating that look because with it comes the after-sex glow. And that is something you will never really experience with porn.

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