“Sure, (college students) may have to … gamble or maybe even sell their organs on the black market, but in the end they’ll be better for it.”
– President George W. Bush

President George W. Bush is currently proposing legislation that would cut federal financial aid for students, potentially requiring many United States college students to find alternate forms of income to supplement their tuition costs.

Students currently relying on financial aid to pay all or part of their tuition costs could be rendered unable to continue attendance at many institutions of higher education across the country.

Bush says he believes forming financial responsibility early on will result in students becoming more financially responsible.

“I attended both Harvard Business School and Yale University without asking for a dime of federal financial aid,” Bush said, “and I think, I believe I’m doing just fine. Wait, fine? Hell, I’m the President of the United freakin’ States of America.”

Bush said in addition to financial responsibility, students must learn more self-reliance.

“I think cutting financial aid will be a great way to teach today’s students to get used to pulling themselves up by their boot straps,” he said.

Junior University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee alchemy major Jeffery Swanson said the president’s reasoning behind the proposed legislation is clearly prejudiced toward certain students.

“What about all of us who don’t wear boots?” Swanson said. “I myself generally choose alternate forms of footwear, and I’ve learned the hard way that when you try to pull yourself up by your flip-flop straps, they usually just fall off your feet.”

Bush admitted that the task of paying for college will not be easy for some students, but said he is confident students will come up with ways to “scrounge” for money.

“Sure, they may have to get a part-time job … gamble or maybe even sell their organs on the black market, but in the end they’ll be better for it, and more socially responsible citizens of this great United States of America,” he said.

Kelly Parker, a junior UWM horology major, said she won’t be able to continue her education if Bush’s plans go through.

“If financial aid gets reduced, there’s no question about it,” Parker said, “I will end up on the streets selling my body for heroin and textbooks.”

Bush said he is able to empathize with students in regards to college financing.

“(Funding an education) wasn’t easy for me, either,” Bush said. “I had to walk all the way into my dad’s office and hit him up for the cash.”

Despite the rhetoric of the republican right, Swanson said he is still not convinced of the benefits of the cuts.

“I guess I’m just having trouble understanding one thing,” Swanson said. “How am I supposed to pull myself up by my boot straps when I can’t even afford to buy boots?”

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