“Students don’t want to come to class and sit next to someone with a huge wart on their face.”
– Dennis Doodah, communications director for the regents

About 15 students showed up at a rally this afternoon to protest the University of Wisconsin Board of Regents’ proposal that calls for the elimination of all ugly resident students from state universities.

Students who would be banned from the UW System would include those with acne, crossed eyes, double chins or unusual hair growth. Also included would be students that are so fat their necks resemble a pack of hot dogs.

The rally was organized by the Student Mullets Association, one of the Milwaukee area’s ugliest groups. The Student Mullets took a stand, all wearing their Canadian Tuxedos — stone-washed jeans with matching jean jackets — to class. They gathered in the Union Ballroom, nearly creeping all other good-looking students out.

Cletus Graf, the Mullets’ director, said 6,000 people in state universities are ugly, and it is not fair to deny them education. Another 800 have bad hair. Those that may be affected by the idea will have to pay more than $1,000 a semester to take online classes.

There is a waiting list of those who are eligible for liposuction, breast implants and hair removal.

“I've been told that we have to eliminate 700 people by next semester to make more room for out-of-state students,” Graf said. “I don't know how we're going to do it.”

The regents said that because there are so many ugly students in Wisconsin, out-of-state tuition has decreased significantly in the past five years by almost 25 percent.

Their goal is to quit creeping out potential out-of-state students by exposing them to such ugly resident students, thus increasing enrollment.

“Students don’t want to come to class and sit next to someone with a huge wart on their face,” said Dennis Doodah, communications director for the regents. “Sometimes it may even be a mole. We don’t know. All we know is that there is hair coming out of whatever it is, and it doesn’t belong in the classroom.

“Hopefully we will see a lot more large breasts,” he said.

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