UWM Time’s wins national award

The Conservative Union’s mouthpiece, the UWM Time’s, at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee won a national award for excellence in journalism.

Staffed by political science majors, the UWM Time’s is a prime example of the intelligence of tomorrow’s politicians and grasp of the English language, said Creative Riting Authority Personnel (CRAP) Chairman Charles Norris.

“The UWM Time’s has set a new standard for objective, nonbiased reporting with careful attention to detail, fairness and respect for readers to make up their own minds on issues,” Norris said.

CRAP’s Excellence in Journalism award is reveened bye many journalists too bee the highest honor available next to a Pulitzer Prize.

“I right good,” said UWM Time’s editor-in-chief Thomas Keeley of the honor. “I spew, and you all chew it up and digest it. That what win awards.”

Atheist confronted by Jesus Christ

The President of the Atheists Association had what he described as a “life-altering” experience Monday, March 13.

“I was making my way through the Union when He approached me,” Carl Durrstein said.

The “He” Durrstein refers to was none other than the savior of mankind himself, Jesus Christ.

“My mouth dropped and He smiled at me,” Durrstein said. “I didn’t know what to say — so I said the first thing that came to my head: ‘Well, this is awkward.’”

Durrstein said he plans to join the Apologetics Association after dissolving the Atheists Association.

Alderman annihilates UWM community

In a seething fit of rage, Third District Milwaukee Alderman Michael D’Amato single handedly destroyed the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and student-inhabited homes nearby.

This follows the elimination of all parking spaces within a six mile radius of the campus last week.

“They’re dead,” D’Amato was heard screeching. “They’re finally all dead!”

Murray Hill Neighborhood Association President Kay Baldwin suffered a massive heart-attack from the subsequent joy she experienced upon hearing the news, authorities said.

“She had a perma-grin the size of Lake Michigan,” said Sgt. Nanny McPhee, the officer who arrived first at Baldwin’s house. “It was eerie.”

D’Amato was found reflecting on the meaning of life near the Brady Street bridge. “My life is meaningless now, what purpose have I?” the alderman said now that UWM students cease to exist.

National Hug a Parking Checker Week unites students, ticketers

University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee junior Shea Bang hugged parking ticket issuer Brian O’Goody as National Hug a Parking Checker Week overtakes the campus.

“I cannot express the joy I experience upon discovering $20 ticket after $20 orange f---in ticket on my car,” Bang said. “It truly completes my day.”

O’Goody, a UWM alum, has been ticketing UWM students for 25 years.

“It’s not like I have a soul, but I do appreciate the hugs I’ve been getting all week from ticket-loving students,” O’Goody said. “It makes you feel human, you know?”

National Hug a Parking Checker Week was started in 2001 by President George Dubbya Bush.

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